Thursday, 24 March 2016

Things I Say to the Cat while Watching old Made in Chelsea


  Who's she? 
  That's not her name. 
  She can't need that big a bag, she doesn't do anything with her day. 
  Aren't his nipples far apart?
  Unless she's taking her library books back. 
  Have they been abroad somewhere again and it's only online?
  Big Ben isn't in Chelsea. 
  I wonder what makes them decide for or against letting their parents appear in the programme?
  Where do they get the dogs from? 
  These party scenes are filmed at seven in the morning, like we all don't know. 
  With extras. 
  Except you can't call them that any more.  
  They're support artistes. 
  Like cleaners are ablutionary facilitators. 
  This early in the morning, filming done, the crew can then go on and do day-job filming. 
  Like on Location, Location, Location
  Or Doctors.
  Or Songs of Praise
  HIs nipples really are at the furthest distance apart humanly possible. 
  They haven't let that tea brew nearly long enough. 
  And she's got more eyeliner on her right eye than on her left. 
  Oh, now, they're doing the soap actor thing of never pouring a full cup of tea. 
  Can't speak lines while handling props.
  Can you please not wander off along the cushions during the adverts? 
  We have to watch the adverts or they'll stop letting us watch Catch Up. 
  Oh, okay, you can stare balefully out of the window at the twat opposite who needs silencers for his bike. 
  Why doesn't Bear Grylls just move indoors somewhere?
  I nearly fouetted into Kate Moss dancing at Club Kabaret. 
  That still isn't that girl's name.  
  How can her accent only be about a third as posh as her sister's?  
  If she's going to speak like that, they'll have to rename the programme Made in Wandsworth. 
  Mark Francis and Victoria are a gratin above the rest, though, aren't they?  
  He has housekeepers. 
  But you only see the ones in his foreign houses. 
  That's interesting. 
  And see on the bathroom shelf above the sink - as they're all boys living together - girls living together start menstruating in synch, boys start facing the heads of their razors and toothbrushes the same way.  
  For the feng shui.
  Actually, synced menstruation isn't anything to do with feng shui. 
  You know, if his nipples were any further apart, they'd be his arms. 

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