tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69871727299921907962024-02-20T13:06:12.030-08:00The Ballet Star GalacticaAka That Ballerina Act. Guildhall trained ***** Variety Headliner, bass-baritone, ***** Author.
The performer life
'A rare and perfect synthesis of art and larkiness.' The Times
***** After Dinner Speaking as hosted by www.diannemannering.co.uk Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.comBlogger349125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-27584920774311981372023-05-01T23:45:00.005-07:002023-05-01T23:45:40.648-07:00Where Babies Come From...<p><span style="background-color: white; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: x-large; font-weight: 700; letter-spacing: -0.003em;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-weight: 700; letter-spacing: -0.003em;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: x-large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGXLRc-XKVj0TlQA24ZrJNt5k5bdDq4gAEeAXe_oAezsWYWwGH7y-kG6rZfxQ_ner-pHIgBTwtZ1dDQXVapiFKZyXfj2Wczz-wLg2wxRLznR0UpXUodTUA7PW8D5vlhr0sS6IlHNgbSlTqhdGzyTRtfve76H2USy9XsYX5fy8Nk3WlgOuVKod6QT4LhQ/s564/Im.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="543" data-original-width="564" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGXLRc-XKVj0TlQA24ZrJNt5k5bdDq4gAEeAXe_oAezsWYWwGH7y-kG6rZfxQ_ner-pHIgBTwtZ1dDQXVapiFKZyXfj2Wczz-wLg2wxRLznR0UpXUodTUA7PW8D5vlhr0sS6IlHNgbSlTqhdGzyTRtfve76H2USy9XsYX5fy8Nk3WlgOuVKod6QT4LhQ/s320/Im.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Haberdashery Girls...</span></div><span style="font-size: x-large; letter-spacing: -0.003em; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.003em; text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>An excerpt from my forthcoming book of interviews:</span><span style="font-size: x-large; letter-spacing: -0.003em; text-align: left;"> </span><i style="background-color: transparent; font-size: x-large; letter-spacing: -0.003em; text-align: left;">Where Babies Come From.</i></div></div><p></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="dd69" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span class="jh ij" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 700;">I asked people, ‘How were you told the facts of life?’</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="61c4" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span class="jh ij" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 700;">And, ‘What information were you given?’</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="3efd" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span class="jh ij" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 700;">Here is Belinda, who used to be an escort. She is now in her eighties.</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">My sister read about Dutch caps. We looked at Old Masters paintings and wondered how having those funny big white hats on their heads would stop women getting pregnant.</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">In British Guiana, we had native servants who would do the deed al fresco au natural. From the age of five, I was playing 'sex' with my dolls. They’d have their dolls’ tea party, a recitation lesson, then I’d have them mount each other.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">When we came back to England, I had a nanny. Katrin was fresh from the convent. She was all mummy could get for me. I expect it was a time of general strikes. Mummy would send Katrin for breaks back to the convent meanwhile sending me for remedial elocution. This would happen when I’d said one too many ‘tinks’, ‘fecks’ and ‘gobshites’. Katrin was largely untaught. In that way of where to hide the purloined letter — in the letters compartment on the desk. Where the leaf — in the forest. Where the mentally subnormal, dyslexic, whatever — in the convent. Convent girls then were expected to take interim jobs as secretaries or shop girls — those that happened to have adequate maths — while waiting for a husband. All this feminist development since those times, and just look at the young girls today on social media being vile to each other about the perpetual reams of slutty photos of themselves with trout pouts. I want to shake them.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Nuns, incidentally, believe it’s a mortal sin to ever touch themselves in their sexual regions. Even when it’s for the sake of cleanliness, which don’t they know, fecks sakes, is next to godliness.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">For anything that ails them down there, the Mothers Superior tell the sisters to prayerfully put on another pair of Vatican approved Cami-knickers.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">When I began dining downstairs, as it was called, my father, Max, would project slides above the dinner table. He was a gynaecologist. </span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">‘What is this disease, children, tell me?’ my father would ask.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">‘Darling,’ my mother would intervene, ‘can we at least have our mains first?'</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">My mother let on my father had treated Katrin and one or two of her convent cronies. I don’t think it was a wholly unserious idea that he upstick from his Wigmore Street practise to set up in the grounds of some well-founded Sacred Heart establishment somewhere.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">So, really, I would say from my father I learned the precise mechanics. He cleared away some family items in his study at home and rigged up some objects to, I believe, make it look like his consulting room in town. Gauze, Bunsen, forceps. And they were precise mechanics: insert this tab into this flap, more or less, like one of the <i>Make Your Own </i>craft kits. My brother made a point of comparison between glue and sperm. </span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Katrin put the idea into my head we must, like the Virgin Mary, keep ourselves for that someone special. Ideally, of course, she meant we would go into a convent ourselves and be a bride of Jesus. Which would be quite unsatisfactory if you were marrying for the sex. Though I seem to remember seeing something along such lines in a film where a woman was impregnated by a demon. The music score would become seeringly ominous and the bedclothes would bulge from her calf regions upward.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Exchange visits with the local boys’ school, begun when I was fifteen, brought me to sex. Certain masters at the school, tired of their commonplace fare, were hankering after something firmer. The watercolour over my dressing table is mine from memory of the view from the Chemistry master’s rooms. All those post-coital tints.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I blackmailed him over six whole terms.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Then having left school, I wouldn’t ever have been a fit for the typing pool, overseen by a sex-starved had lacking that last vestige of black evil required to take the veil, in her chocolate hessian two-piece and gamekeeper’s shoes, lunch from Tupperware and a thermos…</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">All to find a man.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Men were going to find me and pay for the privilege.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I had it very cushy. Not at all real prostitution. Run by gutter pimps, the real — sickening — trade happens in the street, out of harshest, most desperate need. I was indoors, word of mouth, no cards in phone boxes. Not so much as a coded advert in The Lady.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">One client paid me to iron. He said his wife refused to look after him. Oh, we fucked — exactly the same time in each hour spent in foreplay and then in the missionary position. After which, I ironed. He once sobbed when I pointed out a work shirt sleeve that was frayed, ducks.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">For another, it was battle reconstructions with toy soldiers that were all rust.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Another would ask me to read theatre programmes with him before he went to the performance alone. Couldn’t afford the second ticket or so many hours of my time.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I was the pre-curtain up supper.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">My speciality evolved because I never quite asked, ‘How young?’ Once the flyaway baby hair grew thicker, pomade and a sharp side parting could be deceiving. Over-egging, a father might deck his son out with a fob chain. I really couldn’t tell whether I’d closed with a fully filled-out youth or not until I’d checked for that displaced perkiness of pre-stretched clavicles.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">And by then it would be rather too late, we found.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Occasionally, I instructed young women. Alone or with their partner. Women never need to be reminded, of course, how impossible it is to have great sex with a one-night stand. I encouraged them, It’s your body, find out what it likes. And ask your partner for it. There’s a fifty percent chance you’ll get it. Men tend to be such selfish lovers, I simply dinned in how their responsibility was never to cause displeasure. If he suspects he’s hurting, he must ask. If she says he is, there’s so much else to do — and after it, he can just quickly come. If they were having sex without a condom, he must ask where she wants him to come. A case study could be written on the where of that coming. Then he really must comply. They might need an immediate spillage clean up. Or he might want to urinate as a precaution against STDs. Or she might want to douche. Or either of them might heed a religious observance to wash away the sin. Whatever. Then they must cuddle.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Dialogue and observation. Make sex your friend.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">For my young men on their tod, I would dress sexily — or so one hoped — but not complicatedly. No hooks and eyes, suspender belts, stocking fastenings. My gents could experience such things with haberdashery floor girls.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I would make the young man feel like the seducer and, if need be manipulate a change in tack. I would command myself never to give away my own ennui. Not quite the right word — but try for size: ‘awareness of how little there was actually that could be got up to’.</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I wouldn’t allow immediate scrabbling to get the penis into the vagina. That’s akin to the soprano coming onstage and immediately hitting her top C.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I might feign a slight neck strain, leave them to think massage was their idea. Never deigned to respond to one Etonian saying, ‘I expect that’s from too many blowjobs’.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">We would progress down the arm — oh my practised shivers — and then inland.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Sensual manipulation of the breast I rewarded with kitten purr-squeaks, which quite often led clients to truly fondle — rather than continue to treat the breast as suet to be hand weighed, dough to be kneaded or pelmet to be slapped free of dust.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">You could never quite tell, apropos my bottom. Was he happy with it to face away, or was he always seeking to turn it to? Whichever, it was strictly off-limits other than as a substitute for piano keys, for leverage, or simple admiration.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">They could, again, get that sort of thing from the haberdashery floor girls.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">As with the breasts, so — similarly — the clitoris. I taught them to treat it as they would a clinging oyster. And if they hadn’t yet acquired a taste for oysters, along with peaty malts, Turkish cigarettes and rolled herring, I could usually be sure of repeat business. I would never have my clitoris ever treated, please — no matter how topflight your public school — as a Lilliputian punching bag, a chronic itch, a lift call button when the lift is clearly signed OUT OF ORDER, a teat by any other name, pencil mark being erased by finger, game of shove ha’penny.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">And now…</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Fingers first.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Easy does it.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">No need for that sound of drunken navvies mud-fighting.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">See, with time, and your lovely help, we produce our own lovely unguent.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">But yes, use your trust Vaseline on yourself…if it calms you.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Now, like press-ups at first, then relax yourself around me, but not so I’m supporting your weight.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I’ll guide you.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">No, it’s not a failing.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Since when do men ever read maps?</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">A line I only used when I could be sure. What do they say — never risk levity with a man when it comes to his bedroom prowess, garden shed rituals or golf swing?</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">So, we’re hopefully in now.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I will have made sure to affirm his reaction.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Be it bug-eyed.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Gasping.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Grinning.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Good-<i>God</i>-ing.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Oohing.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Aahing.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">He’d never imagined.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Once, only: ‘Are you sure it’s meant to feel like this in here?’</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I would now seek to not disturb their concentration. Possibly a fallacious doctrine, like not waking a sleepwalker.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">If I was sure — levity risked again — I might remind them of the infinitely slower build of the female orgasm. And deem it a success if some of them paused for thought.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">And even asked…</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Then I would conduct them to take it leisurely like the bigger ruminants, not at a garble like the small chatterers. I taught a whole generation the prize bull’s hip swinging, sauntering up approach. Some practised by incorporating it into their walk. Can you imagine the pavement pile ups on the King’s Road?</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Oh, I never had an orgasm, other than possibly accidentally — that would be like an actor at the curtain call applauding himself.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">As one Harrovian rightly though crassly reminded me, ‘My father’s paying for me to come, not you.’</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">And he went on shafting away at monkey speed.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="9ed8" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><br /></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="9ed8" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;">#sex #sexeducation #humanbiology #prostitution #orgasm #fakedorgasm #maleorgasm #sexworker #wherebabiescomefrom #funnybook </p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-86701332477296590992022-08-14T01:44:00.001-07:002022-08-14T01:44:31.379-07:00Jerry Sadowitz and my Honey Flap<p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN2QJ_k8x5Yl6EglboYRll6O2Kv7O8pCrHDyRBvezF3lXAa7jVIejVWGOqU9qSqpiOU0dXSl-rzH7zDpt64Gf7iCLXqQ_FPN9FjD9M5edEehu6KrHc8fzMannJSCmps2-GiP2GiMrkl9YzqZofQt52AYfQN7eUN_B09zN7QyeT9g_-Nyg24LCGVhL2gw/s1280/10854369_10152520016391778_1840968693948282983_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="854" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN2QJ_k8x5Yl6EglboYRll6O2Kv7O8pCrHDyRBvezF3lXAa7jVIejVWGOqU9qSqpiOU0dXSl-rzH7zDpt64Gf7iCLXqQ_FPN9FjD9M5edEehu6KrHc8fzMannJSCmps2-GiP2GiMrkl9YzqZofQt52AYfQN7eUN_B09zN7QyeT9g_-Nyg24LCGVhL2gw/s320/10854369_10152520016391778_1840968693948282983_o.jpg" width="214" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>No, <i>no </i>to the venue staff at the Pleasance, Edinburgh, being able to pull Jerry Sadowitz's show because it doesn't 'align with their values'. </p><p><br /></p><p>During <i>Jack and the Beanstalk, </i>in 204, one of my Dame Trott costumes was late out of the workshop. It was a beehive. There was a nylon thread attached, but because of the bulge in the beehive, I couldn't see where this thread led to or what happened when it got there. </p><p>Wearing the new costume, I went onstage to meet the King, played by Brendan <i>Coach Trip </i>Sheerin. The King's coach had broken down. Brendan's opening line was, 'Hello, my good woman, I bet you'd like to help with my big end and lubricate my dipstick.' </p><p>I pulled my thread. Brendan looked down. Apparently, I had just opened a tiny drawbridge in the lower part of the hive. </p><p>Innocently, he said, 'Is that your flap where honey comes out?'</p><p>The adults out front giggled, tensed for my reply. I said right to them, 'The kids won't understand what his majesty might be meaning, and if they do: we'll blame your slum parenting.'</p><p>It got such a lovely laugh, Brendan and I decided to leave the exchange in the scene, ongoing.</p><p>The company manager asked us to cease and desist. 'The front of house staff have insisted. They say the King's line is borderline smut.'</p><p>I said, 'No, it's not <i>borderline </i>smut, it's <i>smut </i>smut. But not so on the nose as the King's opening, scripted, lines. And it got a big laugh. It can't have offended many members of the audience...'</p><p>'No, not the audience. The front of house staff themselves need us to cut it.'</p><p>And he supported them. The line was cut. </p><p>When I saw the front of house staff responsible - they knew I knew - they were so terribly, casually smug. </p><p><br /></p><p>Because that's what it's about - power craziness. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>#jerrysadowitz #edinburghfringe #pantomime </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-64451637959456958402022-07-29T00:40:00.001-07:002022-07-29T00:47:12.807-07:00How Not to Give a Press Interview<p> </p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3jA6DlOnjyg1olP0UuTLp99TZ9Vwi7VwclTpTo7_b4bEoj4laU7P_gst-v0dXh_beNPxLpm6dK1znJxRTBLzyVXEyZJw-kOwI-Ypy646dpxAp_wkmUuxLiKnct3eZPXXhfYjxXj9-NP_5/s1600/pr-image.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="257" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3jA6DlOnjyg1olP0UuTLp99TZ9Vwi7VwclTpTo7_b4bEoj4laU7P_gst-v0dXh_beNPxLpm6dK1znJxRTBLzyVXEyZJw-kOwI-Ypy646dpxAp_wkmUuxLiKnct3eZPXXhfYjxXj9-NP_5/s400/pr-image.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p><br /> <span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> </span><br /><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> Regimental Sergeant Major 'Pam' Ayres emailed me when I was just back from performing in Iraq.</span><br /><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><i><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></i><i><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> Iestyn my mate, you are truly barking as a turn and I don’t know how you do it, particularly where you’ve just been. I was surprised to say the least when I heard what you were to be about in the wilds of Iraq. But I suppose you have little choice but to carry on with it because of the scarcity of Rest Homes for Retired Sugar Plums. Perhaps you could find one, however, and have a little lie down over Christmas?</span></span></i></span><br /></p><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><i> Thank you for your kind information that I have been mentioned in interviews you’ve given to the </i>Mail on Sunday<i>, T</i>he Times<i> and whatever </i>Full House Magazine<i> may be. </i></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><i> I would, however…<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><i>RATHER READ THE FUCKING </i>BEANO<i>!!!<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;">Take care, kid. Best...Pam<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><i> </i>'...whatever <i>Full House Magazine</i> may be...' </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> Therein lies a tail...</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><span lang="EN-US"> 'The phone's </span>in Major Flynn’s office,' Stacks, Royal Marine said, leading me down honey coloured hallways in Camp Soutar, Kabul. 'One of the posh ones.’</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> Its door had a handle.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> ‘Nicky?’ I said, picking up the phone.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> Nicky Ness was the director of, among other things, Combined Services Entertainment. Following the tour of Iraq RSM 'Pam' Ayres mentioned, I was now part of a CSE Comedy Store tour to Afghanistan. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> Nicky said, ‘Hon, your interview came out in that <i>Full House Magazine. </i>What made you think it was a theatre rag?’</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> ‘Its name. And when I referred to it <i>as </i>a theatre rag, Ranjit, who interviewed me, went along with that. Why?’<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> ‘It’s more like <i>Take a Break</i>.’<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> Oh, terrific - my interview alongside <i>I Used Burning Sage Leaves Shamanism to Commit Date</i><i> </i><i>Rape.</i></span><br /><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> ‘But I told Ranjit all sorts of things about aspects of creativity,' I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> ‘Yup – the copy has you firmly in Cloud Cuckoo Land.'<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> ‘I’ve so tried to be careful since the <i>Mail on Sunday</i> invented that I quoted the Duke of Wellington before I went onstage in Iraq.’ I only ever quote Judge Judy, Margot Fonteyn and Ermintrude the Cow, of <i>Magic Roundabout</i> fame. ‘Will there be official fallout?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> ‘Only thing was that they also made our PR here think it was a theatre rag, which is how they got sent a photo of you in Iraq dancing with Colonel Curtis. This article’s going to be majorly seen by officers’ wives in waiting rooms up and down the country - the mag being exactly the kind of thing they read. But we’re covered. The editors of the mag clearly misled us. And, anyway, the photo wouldn’t necessarily have had to come from us: I warned Colonel Curtis after the gig that when you’d got him on his own up onstage there was a sea of red lights in the room as the phones and the cameras went up.' </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> I asked Nicky to read some of the article. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> ‘You sure, hon?’<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> ‘I’ll only imagine it as being worse than it is.’<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> She asked if I was I sitting comfortably, and began. </span><br /><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium;">I was a different child. My mother remembers me sitting for hours as a chubby toddler listening to Pinky and Perky sing “I Love Little Pussy” - turned out it was the same tune as a folk-song that Tchaikovsky used in <i>Swan Lake. </i>And I would stand sideways on to the full-length mirror in the hall wearing just my nappy and say, very sadly, that I had lost my figure… </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium;">…Foxes have always been a symbol for me of breaking out of something. Of going forward towards dreams. A fox was leaping through the marsh fields when I first performed at the Aldeburgh Festival. I nearly walked into one coming round the corner of the Black Prince Road after closing the first half of Topping and Butch’s show at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern. And after my gig when Madonna was out front at Klub Kabaret a fox was using the crossing on Camden Road by the Tesco garage...</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium;">…But what was my character’s name? Suddenly, one day: ‘My name is Madame Galina,' I said to myself in a high-pitched foreign accent. I froze. I'd never heard the name before and had no idea why it had come into my head, unbidden like that. Or in that accent. Little did I know that my alter ego had just been born.</span><br /><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> 'Genius, hon!' Nicky commented. 'But what <i>can</i> have been in the press release you sent them after Iraq?'</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: medium;">Well...</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><i> * Note to self from January 2006: Look at all the obsession around with psychic stuff. And all the weirdness I’ve been having with lights fusing at however many theatres right at the point where Giselle stabs herself in the “Mad Scene”. Which, remember, Jan, the travelling stage psychic, told the techie in Luton that I was doing because I channelled the spirit of Madame Galina from beyond the grave. Not to mention that I’m the son of a psychic (de-barred, but still…) Think on; put this all into a press-release. </i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> Yes, and end up with an article like the one quoted from above. </span></span><br /><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> RSM Tina Turner would certainly prefer the fucking <i>Beano.</i></span><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><p>#press #pr #marketing #interview #iraq #afghanistan #war #tutu #dragact #theatre </p><p> </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-90155912990981645032022-07-22T01:36:00.006-07:002022-07-22T01:36:44.669-07:00He Travels Fastest Who Travels Alone<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOR4WaOpoi3z2q8Dn62c-9iafXPENNWQYwpCxZCnkiJCZiZhqOdVpiK6ohzkfbdaLIYfTQdZz_HzIaqjDFeA89ht_OLWfwlY1trxWS3muoLjj7Sdhb_Kk2ud0b0bpSXDcsTNT-VfkdrrgXnJSI8xZnOoT5PuZwEgsbpGkLEjEH3a69yPcE4eDKNNhBUg/s1560/Screenshot_20191019-135240.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1560" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOR4WaOpoi3z2q8Dn62c-9iafXPENNWQYwpCxZCnkiJCZiZhqOdVpiK6ohzkfbdaLIYfTQdZz_HzIaqjDFeA89ht_OLWfwlY1trxWS3muoLjj7Sdhb_Kk2ud0b0bpSXDcsTNT-VfkdrrgXnJSI8xZnOoT5PuZwEgsbpGkLEjEH3a69yPcE4eDKNNhBUg/s320/Screenshot_20191019-135240.png" width="148" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>I would never have written a book if I hadn't dealt with my chronic inability to be alone. </p><p>My Proper Nan Silcox would use the line of Kipling quoted above when any of her grandchildren complained of being lonely. </p><p>'Have you lost your library card? Lonely, indeed! Lonely having tea with Miss Bates? Lonely on travels with the Pickwick Club? Lonely at the Horse of the Year Show with Rupert Campbell-Black? And furthermore, let's remember that the banding together mentality is all lovely when it leads to The Huddersfield Choral, or the Massed Bands of the Coldstream Guards or those monkeys with the typewriters who are one day going to finish Timon of Athens - but not when it means the Gestapo or the WI, or when it leads to an epidemic of the illness of the moment...'</p><p>Serious illness was her thing - we had regular bulletins about complete strangers dying in lingering agony up at the Forty Houses in Gelligaer - and she had contempt for what she called illnesses of the moment. </p><p>'Fevers of the faddy!' </p><p>In her time she called AIDS an illness of the moment. ADHD, alzheimers, mad cow, bird flu and narcolepsy were all illnesses of the moment. Had she been in Kaffa when the flea-ridden Mongols routed the Italian merchants there in 1346, she would very likely have called the resulting bubonic plague epidemic an illness of the moment. </p><p>'Oh, yes, because a get together that starts out all joyful so often ends in disease running rampant. We're all going on a summer holiday...and coming back with dysentery. Tom Pearce, Tom Pearce, lend me your grey mare, all along, down along, out along lea, for I want for to go to Widecombe Fair with Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke, Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all... and we won't expect to see Bill, either of the Peters or Harry again after the cholera gets them on the boat swings. After the Ball is Over...there were all those girls getting into carriages without their shawls properly draped and TB or not TB, that was the question.'</p><p>She would draw herself up by the handbag. 'You make the best of your solitary circumstances, now. Better to live by choice in a bedsit than by force in a leper colony.' </p><p><br /></p><p> #traveltuesday #hetravelsfastestwhotravelsalone #kipling #lifehacks #life #illness #death </p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-62737040106020128682022-06-18T01:58:00.001-07:002022-06-18T01:58:43.410-07:00Cruelty to Animals<p> </p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXS493A_vqLhiI58XFQg63urwmI4sGZ9pyLvZZ6BV4kpFkvsjnlSxxlx7BcVxpHf4bQZCAAN1eu61i6tqJsNxp3ibaeNGqYOzQR4icnhzWFfzwgb2Ht42EnZ5uS8jhUDo0BA_4qMDJYvZu/s1600/egyptian_gosling_by_andy_j_s-d3bi3ww.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXS493A_vqLhiI58XFQg63urwmI4sGZ9pyLvZZ6BV4kpFkvsjnlSxxlx7BcVxpHf4bQZCAAN1eu61i6tqJsNxp3ibaeNGqYOzQR4icnhzWFfzwgb2Ht42EnZ5uS8jhUDo0BA_4qMDJYvZu/s400/egyptian_gosling_by_andy_j_s-d3bi3ww.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br /><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">A woman with wiry, flicked hair, in a pink vinyl mac, and gingham pedal pushers came through from Thorpeness Meare, leaving her jack russell off the lead as she continued past the duck pond. Three pairs of nesting swans and the egyptian geese were grazing there. The woman turned as people remonstrated with her, then stood in a bevelled pose, like a resting burlesquer, and indicated that she was happy for her jack russell to run to and fro barking by the water's edge. </span><div><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div><div><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The goose nosed the tiny gosling into the pond and jumped in after it followed by the gander. The swans stood absolutely still, feathers up all around, in front of their cygnets. </span><br /><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"> </span></div><div><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The woman smirked indulgently at the jack russell, until a man picked the dog up by the collar, walked over to her and thrust it into her arms. '</span><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Take this back to wherever it is you're from!' he told her.</span></div><div><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div><div><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">After a stunned moment, the woman loped off across the grass, drawling back over her shoulder, 'Crouch End!'</span><br /><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"> </span></div><div><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Where else? </span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>#animalcruelty #birdlife #ducks #swans #geese #birds #countryside <br /><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"> </span></div>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-87192486952207459102022-06-08T21:29:00.001-07:002022-06-08T21:29:08.911-07:00Gerard, Spell <p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb49vxneTi1TMe8rDztD8079yjb-KzmvVxnXEbn9drfqXxzE4hAlfxXn6MwbumjVAuX3QCJD4G-US2dOeU5UlVAQQyFlRlDk-Hgs8GdTalN_UcfZDy6bgO-Gnee6HihezP5qEfJ5MZPvt0TpfwzqM_IvpMMSy5yVZowTI7knY3iXh7pAS25HjbvT3KXQ/s474/Yak.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="316" data-original-width="474" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb49vxneTi1TMe8rDztD8079yjb-KzmvVxnXEbn9drfqXxzE4hAlfxXn6MwbumjVAuX3QCJD4G-US2dOeU5UlVAQQyFlRlDk-Hgs8GdTalN_UcfZDy6bgO-Gnee6HihezP5qEfJ5MZPvt0TpfwzqM_IvpMMSy5yVZowTI7knY3iXh7pAS25HjbvT3KXQ/w400-h266/Yak.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>The Simpson's annual pop up summer bistro in East Suffolk went vegan the year Francis Quentin-Curnow was six. </p><p><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">Francis had apparently been born gluten and lactose intolerant and with IBS. His wasn't cradle cap so much as Intensive Care Baby Incubator cap. By the time he was four he was asthmatic, eczmatic, diabetic; rivalling pure violet light for taking up space on the spectrum. Aged five he asked to go in the carnival procession as Anne Frank. The following year he announced that he was vegan, please. </span><br /><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif"><br /></span></p><p><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">On the QT that year, Gerard Crastley - whose grandmother, Lady Simpson, remember, made him spell out long words, as he went to the wrong school: Harrow rather than Eton - encouraged Francis to adopt a yak. Daphne, Gerard's mother, was Francis's godmother. </span></p><p><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">'You adopt the nice yak, chap, and you get a photo and it will write you letters,' said Gerard. 'What joy, eh? The yak is being endangered to death, Quent, And it's not a quick death - as with Bambi's mother.' Here came the tears. 'No, it's a slow death.' Now the wails. 'All alone and comfortless on the mountainside.' Screams. 'And its poor little eyes get pecked out by carrion crows. Not on the floor, Quentin. You didn't give me warning to move the furniture. That's a chap. Now, how would you like to proceed for payment? BACS, standing order...?</span></p><p><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">It was Gerard's year for getting girls on their summer holidays in Hatherley to adopt yaks; and to sponsor water purifiers in Somalia, or Zimbabwean rebels </span><span face="'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif">who were plotting to overthrow Mugabe. The BACS details given for all donations were Gerard's, of course. </span><br /><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif"><br /></span></p><p><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">At a family gathering, Francis read aloud a letter that had, apparently, come from Yannik the Yak in Guatemala. </span><br /><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif"> </span></p><p><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif"><i> Dear Francis, </i></span><br /><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif"><i> I skip around coffee plantation clippy-cloppy today and sit now under tree to writing at you. I have yesterday before some days collect from post office your lovely present which I have eated. Would you like some of it sent back over at you as dried droppings, keeping-sakety? As for photo you been asking for, I need to know that you are genuine because many yaks adopted here have sent photo of themself to a person and then get letter again from this person saying they lie down with letter and dirty-touch theyselves. </i></span><br /><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif"><i> Up the Red Cross.</i></span><br /><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif"><i> Love (but not in dirty-touching youself way, okay?!) Yannik Yak.</i></span><br /><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif"><i> P.S. You must send more money immediately for yak-butted injury orphans. I have made quite many of those. </i></span></p><p><i><br /></i><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">Lady Simpson, made Gerard return all Francis's payments. </span></p><p>'And, Gerard, spell: <i>extortion</i>, <i>despicable</i> and <i>overembellishment</i>. </p><p><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif"><br /></span></p><p><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">Gerard was briefly back in favour when he had all the posters and flyers advertising the pop-up vegan bistro printed for free. </span></p><p><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">As he drunkenly confided to me: </span>'I got Forbes Solicitors to do them. I knew what happened just required me to bide my good time, sweets. When I was fourteen I'd just got out of the showers in the Yacht Club and Christian Forbes himself, pissed, had come into the changing room. He said that I would have been - and I quote - "the most rampantly florid little morsel were my balls still up".'</p><p>Gerard's mother said as he had been shown such initiative over the posters and flyers she would allow him to name something to go on that year's bistro menu.</p><p>'It was a vegan version of pigs in blankets, sweets,' said Gerard to me. 'And she made me taste it. It was vile. And as I couldn't say anything nice, I tried to say nothing at all. But she was on and on at me. Everybody else was chipping in. Granny, Quentin. And then my uncle Miles actually, <i>actually </i>called me a whippersnapper. Who am I? Oliver cocking Twist? Barracking and barracking on. Until - no more - I told them they should call the dish <i>Putrifying Penis in Leprous Clitoral Flange</i> - in Helvetica font.'</p><p>'Gerard, spell <i>irredeemable.</i>'</p><p><br /></p><p>#vegan #yak #yakadoption </p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-45007083223693907152022-05-31T00:09:00.003-07:002022-05-31T00:09:35.026-07:00My Jubilee<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0OvwkkpJkEcHsxSnyXjsSsSuwHiN3Mm2O20SXUfb8iAQGLggMxTk8PTwToo4LZRCuYuiXO27bIQqo9RJLbhhs701AkPr2k0I6m_T-E7y4wueWjhQQ17-nwkpzmmcFmBt2cqprAGzNOlpr725kiJ1zy7uoHYeMsKCkhBXvFf2sKntHqQEtSz9VuNh8Ew/s810/DV.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="810" data-original-width="572" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0OvwkkpJkEcHsxSnyXjsSsSuwHiN3Mm2O20SXUfb8iAQGLggMxTk8PTwToo4LZRCuYuiXO27bIQqo9RJLbhhs701AkPr2k0I6m_T-E7y4wueWjhQQ17-nwkpzmmcFmBt2cqprAGzNOlpr725kiJ1zy7uoHYeMsKCkhBXvFf2sKntHqQEtSz9VuNh8Ew/s320/DV.jpg" width="226" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">An oh so proud, pre-plague moment. Hosting the Dance for Victory Ball at the Blackpool Tower Ballroom. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p>'After sound check, you have a query out front,' said stage management, pointing. 'Her over there. She's been too difficult even for the circus archivists.'</p><p><i>Her over there</i> was a woman with a waved combover, in a sequined puffa jacket, nylon culottes and pink trainers. Wafting Lily of the Valley and carbolic. </p><p>'You may have seen my quick step earlier to the Wurlitzer.' She was giving me an undecided look, her tone no-crap librarian. 'Every Wednesday I've danced here since before even my mother passed on. To the Wurlitzer only when practicable.' </p><p>Spiralling her right wrist at me, she said, 'Now, I've got these three expected carrier bags. In this first one: Happy Shopper vodka. Not paying your bar prices. In two - shrimp that were Morecambe-bought, home-self-potted. In three - glad rags. So, I'll thank you to tell me your band's set list. Then I'll decide if or not I'm staying.' </p><p>I told her.</p><p>She nodded. 'Thank you.' She high-stepped to the edge of the dance floor and pushed and pulled puffa and culottes as you would a towel to change on the beach, to emerge in dove grey tulle, silver court shoes and diamante head band. She sat, shoulders back, weight on her toes. In her now softened, child-wide, bright eyes I saw reflected all of Blackpool for all of her. </p><p>During my opening number, I waltzed past her. Grinning, she toasted me with the cup from a vacuum flask. </p><p>Kinship between two old hoofers that didn't scrub up too shabbily. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>#jubilee #platinumjubilee #ball #blackpool #dance </p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-13950324095317466222022-05-23T06:37:00.007-07:002022-05-23T07:12:25.619-07:00My Channel 4 Series - Madame Galina's Whirlwind Guide to Ballet<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2RCTjJ9fFHqaswOekwYk8m6Yr3WhgxdTAipK4fWsAsH0cyT_yzQgwx4nHa15pOnwIWKDg4UahB8nWPSBFFnLR-Ihg8a95IIaQcCBsQJKYpIecDBZjl1m5dQjR_gRDMcEjp8lw1jp6g4v-o8pM4_tVNJGGiWZzfvEe3n7xUjGIcC3VbBzePVOJLMEe7Q/s480/sq.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="318" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2RCTjJ9fFHqaswOekwYk8m6Yr3WhgxdTAipK4fWsAsH0cyT_yzQgwx4nHa15pOnwIWKDg4UahB8nWPSBFFnLR-Ihg8a95IIaQcCBsQJKYpIecDBZjl1m5dQjR_gRDMcEjp8lw1jp6g4v-o8pM4_tVNJGGiWZzfvEe3n7xUjGIcC3VbBzePVOJLMEe7Q/s320/sq.jpg" width="212" /></a></div><p> <span style="font-size: x-small;"> Filming for C4. "Madame Galina's Whirlwind Guide to Ballet".</span></p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;">'Spectacular and eccentric...More! More!!' <i>Daily Mail</i>. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;">'Lovingly tart!' <i>The Rough Guide to Choreograph</i>y. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;">'Essential viewing.' <i>Evening Standard</i>.</span></p><p>And, during filming, from the general series producer: 'Iestyn, we are very sorry you got a poorly foot today, but please don't send the director off the set again for - as you view her - being a complete cretin, misfilming your pirouette sequence six "shi*ting" times. We could perhaps discuss your stance that it's "completely mental to employ her to make a humorous piece about ballet, when she's humour<i>less</i> and knows f-ck all about dance". We can't comment on her having a supercilious spoon-face.'</p><p>You win some...</p><p><br /></p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-48647834875997973642022-05-22T01:11:00.007-07:002022-05-22T01:37:33.775-07:00When you Wish...Visualisation and the Art of Drag<div><span face="Lato, sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: #ececec; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span face="Lato, sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgucZEtIT3QlPzeeMTAtFk-vq615SqcI-DUzWM7h9wRvpd7cbAhmbwl_lH3onBVgl5BYDb2YDmHNhHe2mjKkDr6Gtw9TfrHZEcaID5mZFpVkhwAzRolzUbnjc-7jCVWAq9B-yvRMKa1FID5gwdn1L9ABDSlabdapIuHpiZaRCXI3k4UkJsiRxxivhS2Zg/s241/landladyc.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="241" data-original-width="140" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgucZEtIT3QlPzeeMTAtFk-vq615SqcI-DUzWM7h9wRvpd7cbAhmbwl_lH3onBVgl5BYDb2YDmHNhHe2mjKkDr6Gtw9TfrHZEcaID5mZFpVkhwAzRolzUbnjc-7jCVWAq9B-yvRMKa1FID5gwdn1L9ABDSlabdapIuHpiZaRCXI3k4UkJsiRxxivhS2Zg/s1600/landladyc.jpg" width="140" /></a></div><br /><span style="background-color: #ececec; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span face="Lato, sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: #ececec; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I would visualise and visualise Madame Galina on tour to London's West End and to Blackpool: wearing a fur, dragging a trunk, staying in old-school theatrical digs, being partnered by either Michael Nunn or William Trevitt: both Royal Ballet Principal Dancers...</span></div><div><br /></div><div><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">About to move to London from Aldeburgh, I was walking past the Sue Ryder shop when volunteer Janet banged on the window. Can you imagine Bette Midler, but mouselike? That was Janet. She dragged a blue trunk out of the stockroom. 'Don't open it till you get home. Inside's for you to wear as Madame Galina. Brilliant you've got yourself that London residency.' At Murray's Cabaret Club. 'My aunt forbade us girls ever to go on to Murray's in the sixties, you know. "Filth goes in there! The Krays, that Keeler monstrosity. Filth!".'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Oh.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">At home I opened the trunk. Inside was a rabbit skin fur. </span></div><div><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">For cheapness' sake on tour, I would book myself into the class of B and B that thought it was too posh for hot chocolate sachets, stank of Zoflora; and had patterned settees, walls and carpets together to turn your sight kaleidoscopic. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">One Blackpool landlady, in butterscotch velour, led me across the road to listen at the open window of a rival's establishment. 'Hear that hoover going, chick? Notice there's no fluctuation in the tone. She's just left it on under the table, window open, trying to kid on that she runs a clean establishment. But then, she injects her eggs with tartrazine to make the yolks look more like the chickens that lay them have room to manoeuvre. Nor would she do you the courtesy I will, before you go off to your theatrics in the Tower Ballroom - checking your room's tidy.'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br /><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">And my dancing idols MIchael Nunn and William Trevitt, having left the Royal Ballet and started George Piper Dances, asked me to be in their Channel 4 series The Rough Guide to Choreography. Michael was Prince Siegfried to my Odette. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">So, visualise! </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Except you may not wish for that longed-for Prince to comment, during an argument about the exact wording of the Swan Queen's mime sequence, 'Galina, you have ballet Asperger's.' </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><a class=" xil3i" href="https://www.instagram.com/explore/tags/positivethinking/" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" tabindex="0">#positivethinking</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> </span><a class=" xil3i" href="https://www.instagram.com/explore/tags/wishlist/" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" tabindex="0">#wishlist</a> <span style="background-color: #ececec; color: #222222; font-size: 15px;">#thesecret #visualisations #positivevisualisations #rulesofattraction #manifestingabundance #manifestation</span></div>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-15503578776793986902022-05-05T22:57:00.005-07:002022-05-05T23:20:31.626-07:00My Worrying Tongue<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="6ebe" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;"><span class="ji id" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 700;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVmRYpzKswgbo3MMK7-YYnfdmPjXHrxmOFWsgMfk5840xQnrORgQsv8Tb_-atdzcvm_OEkXdSodxCvA-D1xysguKdBSvBo-mkN2URLuFIKWcz4PMLutc_Vlz_7LOJzErJfLODKIH_noIbB7V5vzVFRHBv3M-UxsLCTwT6lp8YqmgxRPJRzF-b3nUsgfw/s2048/Sui.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1366" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVmRYpzKswgbo3MMK7-YYnfdmPjXHrxmOFWsgMfk5840xQnrORgQsv8Tb_-atdzcvm_OEkXdSodxCvA-D1xysguKdBSvBo-mkN2URLuFIKWcz4PMLutc_Vlz_7LOJzErJfLODKIH_noIbB7V5vzVFRHBv3M-UxsLCTwT6lp8YqmgxRPJRzF-b3nUsgfw/w266-h400/Sui.jpg" width="266" /></a></div><br />Xiuying, Chinese herbalist, said she must send for Mr Yong and get a second opinion on my worrying tongue.<p></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="6ebe" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;"><span class="ji id" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 700;"><br /></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="e3c8" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">‘What is it your job, please?’ she had asked, once I was lying still and not rustling the paper sheet on the cot. ‘And give me your wrist fully.’</p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="ef53" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">I told her, ‘I’m a character actor with ballet skills.’</p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="8d4c" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">‘And what are you performing just now? A sad, distressed character?’</p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="cd08" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">‘Yes, in my comedy show <em class="ke" style="box-sizing: inherit;">Ballet Star Galactica</em>, I play Giselle. A peasant girl, who is jilted, goes insane and kills herself.’</p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="6670" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">Xiuying clicked her own tongue a number of times — worrying — then asked, ‘Do you like having a kidney function, even a kidney function that’s not very good? Then you must stop performing this thing.’</p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="8c79" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">‘I can’t cancel tomorrow’s gig. I’m in Leigh-on-Sea.<em class="ke" style="box-sizing: inherit;"> Back by Popular Demand</em>.’ That was spin — actually, I’d just hired the Methodist Hall again. ‘Can’t I just have herbs?’</p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="b576" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">I’d had them before. They tasted like melon, Christmas pudding and fox shit.</p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="c824" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">‘Everyone can have herbs,’ Xiuying said, rolling her eyes. ‘But the psyche cannot tell the difference between what is real or not — and every night you play this terrible, sad life out. It is failing your kidneys. Both of them. That’s how bad. Even if we give you the herbs, you must stop performing for two weeks. And now, I am fetching Mr Yong. I don’t think he will be pleased to see such a tongue as yours.’</p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4706" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">Actually, Mr Yong was philosophical seeing such a tongue as mine.</p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jg jh ic ji b jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc kd hv gp" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="3262" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; text-align: start; word-break: break-word;">He and I came to an agreement. Every so often, I knock on the window of the Chinese herbalist and show Mr Yong my tongue. He’ll either wave me along or beckon me in, depending.</p></div><p></p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-3914665363885933422022-05-03T12:21:00.001-07:002022-05-05T22:50:45.523-07:00Keeping Porn Clean<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMMSUblTLd8XKFYmVC7RRyQLFvmLc610HxJrKx1nwtlzAvMGVjwGqw8AmfDKa2ljxOj-mOXvfFrFXhMXUQ9tUnYmWGPbKmP2uLCSLuR-aQCuuTaqfqpDP1o5zr7yKQEFVuf-QzAylad-bo0B5PLR24oMMGKSblG0slfizUoy1Aqs7baYyi4y-Nm8uiyA/s1588/VJ.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1463" data-original-width="1588" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMMSUblTLd8XKFYmVC7RRyQLFvmLc610HxJrKx1nwtlzAvMGVjwGqw8AmfDKa2ljxOj-mOXvfFrFXhMXUQ9tUnYmWGPbKmP2uLCSLuR-aQCuuTaqfqpDP1o5zr7yKQEFVuf-QzAylad-bo0B5PLR24oMMGKSblG0slfizUoy1Aqs7baYyi4y-Nm8uiyA/s320/VJ.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p></p><p>I've been offered one of these. A jardinière. For my fire escape. </p><p>The last time I heard the word 'jardinière' was on video messenger during lockdown. I was chatting to my mate Finch Loudet, porn actor turned director. </p><p>He said that only cohabiting porn couples were able to work under the lockdown rules. On OnlyFans. Often asking subs to send in sex-suggestions.</p><p>Four days into lockdown, apparently, the subscribers were past requesting pegging, turd play and zombie necrophilia, and instead were commenting, ‘Bit of Vanish Oxy when you next wash the sheets’; ‘Your bedside rug has been turned up in that one corner since Monday’, ‘Forget golden showers between yourselves, you need to water that jardiniere.’</p><p><br /></p><p>#jardiniere #gardening #pornography #goldenshowers #necrophilia #zombies #lockdown </p>
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</p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-1758386706524170782022-05-02T07:32:00.004-07:002023-05-01T23:37:12.215-07:00Where Babies Come From...<p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9dF2AEZuE8fG2-I3dLxYYnRUmLkbtfc4Qpjd7km17Cf-Adu258Fj58eg8rHr5oZLeJWwRFPVV7Kc0rm7c-rD_StdOVASXLUtoi4ChDYX0bkxJWYXuiu4CmRxNBIgTJv_Ha6iayH5KEBHT7Fj8nV8oPXaluvMnYT9Tutyywp1bKBWewj1i9P18R6ehjA/s955/Belinda.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="955" data-original-width="760" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9dF2AEZuE8fG2-I3dLxYYnRUmLkbtfc4Qpjd7km17Cf-Adu258Fj58eg8rHr5oZLeJWwRFPVV7Kc0rm7c-rD_StdOVASXLUtoi4ChDYX0bkxJWYXuiu4CmRxNBIgTJv_Ha6iayH5KEBHT7Fj8nV8oPXaluvMnYT9Tutyywp1bKBWewj1i9P18R6ehjA/s320/Belinda.png" width="255" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-weight: 700; letter-spacing: -0.003em;"><br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-weight: 700; letter-spacing: -0.003em;"><br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-weight: 700; letter-spacing: -0.003em;">An excerpt from my forthcoming book of interviews: <i>Where Babies Come From.</i></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="dd69" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span class="jh ij" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 700;">I asked people, ‘How were you told the facts of life?’</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="61c4" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span class="jh ij" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 700;">And, ‘What information were you given?’</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="3efd" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span class="jh ij" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 700;">Here is Belinda, who used to be an escort. She is now in her eighties.</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">My sister read about Dutch caps. We looked at Old Masters paintings and wondered how having those funny big white hats on their heads would stop women getting pregnant.</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">In British Guiana, we had native servants who would do the deed al fresco au natural. From the age of five, I was playing sex with my dolls. They’d have their dolls’ tea party, a recitation lesson, then I’d have them mount each other.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">When we came back to England, I had a nanny. Katrin was fresh from the convent. She was all mummy could get for me. I expect it was a time of general strikes. Mummy would send Katrin for breaks back to the convent meanwhile sending me for remedial elocution. This would happen when I’d said one too many ‘tinks’, ‘fecks’ and ‘gobshites’. Katrin was largely untaught. In that way of where to hide the purloined letter — in the letters compartment on the desk. Where the leaf — in the forest. Where the mentally subnormal, dyslexic, whatever — in the convent. Convent girls then were expected to take interim jobs as secretaries or shop girls — those that happened to have adequate maths — while waiting for a husband. All this feminist development since those times, and just look at the young girls today on social media being vile to each other about the perpetual reams of slutty photos of themselves with trout pouts. I want to shake them.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Nuns, incidentally, believe it’s a mortal sin to ever touch themselves in their sexual regions. Even when it’s for the sake of cleanliness, which don’t they know, fecks sakes, is next to godliness.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">For anything that ails them down there, the Mothers Superior tell the sisters to prayerfully put on another pair of Vatican approved Cami-knickers.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">When I began dining downstairs, as it was called, my father, Max, would project slides above the dinner table. He was a gynaecologist. </span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">‘What is this disease, children, tell me?’ my father would ask.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">‘Darling,’ my mother would intervene, ‘can we at least have our mains first?'</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">My mother let on my father had treated Katrin and one or two of her convent cronies. I don’t think it was a wholly unserious idea that he upstick from his Wigmore Street practise to set up in the grounds of some well-founded Sacred Heart establishment somewhere.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">So, really, I would say from my father I learned the precise mechanics. He cleared away some family items in his study at home and rigged up some objects to, I believe, make it look like his consulting room in town. Gauze, Bunsen, forceps. And they were precise mechanics: insert this tab into this flap, more or less, like one of the <i>Make Your Own </i>craft kits. My brother made a point of comparison between glue and sperm. </span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Katrin put the idea into my head we must, like the Virgin Mary, keep ourselves for that someone special. Ideally, of course, she meant we would go into a convent ourselves and be a bride of Jesus. Which would be quite unsatisfactory if you were marrying for the sex. Though I seem to remember seeing something along such lines in a film where a woman was impregnated by a demon. The music score would become seeringly ominous and the bedclothes would bulge from her calf regions upward.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Exchange visits with the local boys’ school, begun when I was fifteen, brought me to sex. Certain masters at the school, tired of their commonplace fare, were hankering after something firmer. The watercolour over my dressing table is mine from memory of the view from the Chemistry master’s rooms. All those post-coital tints.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I blackmailed him over six whole terms.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Then having left school, I wouldn’t ever have been a fit for the typing pool, overseen by a sex-starved had lacking that last vestige of black evil required to take the veil, in her chocolate hessian two-piece and gamekeeper’s shoes, lunch from Tupperware and a thermos…</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">All to find a man.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Men were going to find me and pay for the privilege.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I had it very cushy. Not at all real prostitution. Run by gutter pimps, the real — sickening — trade happens in the street, out of harshest, most desperate need. I was indoors, word of mouth, no cards in phone boxes. Not so much as a coded advert in The Lady.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">One client paid me to iron. He said his wife refused to look after him. Oh, we fucked — exactly the same time in each hour spent in foreplay and then in the missionary position. After which, I ironed. He once sobbed when I pointed out a work shirt sleeve that was frayed, ducks.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">For another, it was battle reconstructions with toy soldiers that were all rust.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Another would ask me to read theatre programmes with him before he went to the performance alone. Couldn’t afford the second ticket or so many hours of my time.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I was the pre-curtain up supper.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">My speciality evolved because I never quite asked, ‘How young?’ Once the flyaway baby hair grew thicker, pomade and a sharp side parting could be deceiving. Over-egging, a father might deck his son out with a fob chain. I really couldn’t tell whether I’d closed with a fully filled-out youth or not until I’d checked for that displaced perkiness of pre-stretched clavicles.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">And by then it would be rather too late, we found.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Occasionally, I instructed young women. Alone or with their partner. Women never need to be reminded, of course, how impossible it is to have great sex with a one-night stand. I encouraged them, It’s your body, find out what it likes. And ask your partner for it. There’s a fifty percent chance you’ll get it. Men tend to be such selfish lovers, I simply dinned in how their responsibility was never to cause displeasure. If he suspects he’s hurting, he must ask. If she says he is, there’s so much else to do — and after it, he can just quickly come. If they were having sex without a condom, he must ask where she wants him to come. A case study could be written on the where of that coming. Then he really must comply. They might need an immediate spillage clean up. Or he might want to urinate as a precaution against STDs. Or she might want to douche. Or either of them might heed a religious observance to wash away the sin. Whatever. Then they must cuddle.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Dialogue and observation. Make sex your friend.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">For my young men on their tod, I would dress sexily — or so one hoped — but not complicatedly. No hooks and eyes, suspender belts, stocking fastenings. My gents could experience such things with haberdashery floor girls.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I would make the young man feel like the seducer and, if need be manipulate a change in tack. I would command myself never to give away my own ennui. Not quite the right word — but try for size: ‘awareness of how little there was actually that could be got up to’.</span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I wouldn’t allow immediate scrabbling to get the penis into the vagina. That’s akin to the soprano coming onstage and immediately hitting her top C.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I might feign a slight neck strain, leave them to think massage was their idea. Never deigned to respond to one Etonian saying, ‘I expect that’s from too many blowjobs’.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">We would progress down the arm — oh my practised shivers — and then inland.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Sensual manipulation of the breast I rewarded with kitten purr-squeaks, which quite often led clients to truly fondle — rather than continue to treat the breast as suet to be hand weighed, dough to be kneaded or pelmet to be slapped free of dust.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">You could never quite tell, apropos my bottom. Was he happy with it to face away, or was he always seeking to turn it to? Whichever, it was strictly off-limits other than as a substitute for piano keys, for leverage, or simple admiration.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">They could, again, get that sort of thing from the haberdashery floor girls.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">As with the breasts, so — similarly — the clitoris. I taught them to treat it as they would a clinging oyster. And if they hadn’t yet acquired a taste for oysters, along with peaty malts, Turkish cigarettes and rolled herring, I could usually be sure of repeat business. I would never have my clitoris ever treated, please — no matter how topflight your public school — as a Lilliputian punching bag, a chronic itch, a lift call button when the lift is clearly signed OUT OF ORDER, a teat by any other name, pencil mark being erased by finger, game of shove ha’penny.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">And now…</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Fingers first.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Easy does it.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">No need for that sound of drunken navvies mud-fighting.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">See, with time, and your lovely help, we produce our own lovely unguent.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">But yes, use your trust Vaseline on yourself…if it calms you.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Now, like press-ups at first, then relax yourself around me, but not so I’m supporting your weight.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I’ll guide you.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">No, it’s not a failing.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Since when do men ever read maps?</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">A line I only used when I could be sure. What do they say — never risk levity with a man when it comes to his bedroom prowess, garden shed rituals or golf swing?</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">So, we’re hopefully in now.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I will have made sure to affirm his reaction.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Be it bug-eyed.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Gasping.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Grinning.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Good-<i>God</i>-ing.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Oohing.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Aahing.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">He’d never imagined.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Once, only: ‘Are you sure it’s meant to feel like this in here?’</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">I would now seek to not disturb their concentration. Possibly a fallacious doctrine, like not waking a sleepwalker.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">If I was sure — levity risked again — I might remind them of the infinitely slower build of the female orgasm. And deem it a success if some of them paused for thought.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">And even asked…</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Then I would conduct them to take it leisurely like the bigger ruminants, not at a garble like the small chatterers. I taught a whole generation the prize bull’s hip swinging, sauntering up approach. Some practised by incorporating it into their walk. Can you imagine the pavement pile ups on the King’s Road?</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">Oh, I never had an orgasm, other than possibly accidentally — that would be like an actor at the curtain call applauding himself.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">As one Harrovian rightly though crassly reminded me, ‘My father’s paying for me to come, not you.’</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="4077" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><span style="color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.06px;">And he went on shafting away at monkey speed.</span></span></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="9ed8" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;"><br /></p><p class="pw-post-body-paragraph jf jg ii jh b ji jj jk jl jm jn jo jp jq jr js jt ju jv jw jx jy jz ka kb kc ib gj" data-selectable-paragraph="" id="9ed8" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #292929; font-family: charter, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 20px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 32px; margin: 2em 0px -0.46em; word-break: break-word;">#sex #sexeducation #humanbiology #prostitution #orgasm #fakedorgasm #maleorgasm #sexworker #wherebabiescomefrom #funnybook </p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-23665606302787114742022-04-30T02:41:00.003-07:002022-04-30T02:43:49.249-07:00The Lavender Heckle<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSm21IeknCpj31114-0fVLd0RwG0xhV3lWeLf7VafsgSAqs9MyNZrseoVnFftugjaetquO_mLwngm9IMwDvtAxp9aAi9BbRe36zlKAM6vV2wNf_cms6ktZcKSiUChLP_qsHYB67oH9aUqnUzu5DlMGulcVartOYgRRBfoS031duNKBHiMcOEbNbDOFew/s1200/EBF.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSm21IeknCpj31114-0fVLd0RwG0xhV3lWeLf7VafsgSAqs9MyNZrseoVnFftugjaetquO_mLwngm9IMwDvtAxp9aAi9BbRe36zlKAM6vV2wNf_cms6ktZcKSiUChLP_qsHYB67oH9aUqnUzu5DlMGulcVartOYgRRBfoS031duNKBHiMcOEbNbDOFew/w400-h400/EBF.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">The year before the plague, I opened the Essex Book Festival with <i>My Tutu Went AWOL</i>. I also closed the festival (just call me the Maria Callas of touting the memoir subgenre <i>Drag Meets Marine.) </i>Patricia Wells, author, also appeared in the closing event: playing the hose continuo. </span></p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">I met Patricia again at Wilderness.</span></p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Having just appeared in Brunch Cabaret, in full tutu and tights, I ran across the festival grounds to the book tent for my Travel Writing round
table. A smell of beer, hay, new
books and what comedian Archie Artington describes as, ‘A tang, is it, or a
pang – not quite a pong – the<i> tang</i> that after a weekend
under tent: of dawn and dusk wet-wipe licks and promises: creeps from
campers’ crannies.’ To stage left, the round table set up, mic
feedback being rectified; to stage right Dorling Kindersley executives berating Clara
(BSc MBAcC RYT) for, ‘Such heinously undermining snoring.’ </span>
</p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Apparently, Clara, festival book curator, had fallen asleep during the DK talk on thermodynamics. </span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">I
shouted at them in a Russian accent, ‘Stop that. My audience is
here, and so am I.'</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">They
ignored me. </span>
</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Smiling
uncertainly at the laughter, the round table host strode front and
centre. In a denim bib dress and racing green DMs, she pushed a coil
of auburn hair behind each ear. ‘Welcome ladies and gentlemen.
I’m Bettine Rowlands...’ </span>
</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">The
DK and Naomi huddle subsided, chuntering. I made for the free chair at the table. </span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Bettine
thanked everyone for coming to this round table event. </span>
</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Patricia was primed to go onstage. In dungarees and a donkey jacket,
she tamped down a purple cloche hat, giving me a look that was
friendly while expressing uncertainty. </span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">‘<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">We’re
in for a very interesting discussion,’ Bettine said.</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Someone, heckled, ‘So we imagine from the fairy-in-residence.’
</span>
</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">‘<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">So,
without further ado, let me introduce Patricia Wells...’</span></p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">Wait,<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;"> actually, didn’t Patricia write about – ?</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">‘<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">...our
first speaker today on <u>gardens
through history</u>.’</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;"><i>Gardens?
</i><span style="font-style: normal;">I leapt from my chair.</span></span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Patricia
began, ‘I’ll just tell you something about myself.’</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">A
man in khaki shorts and an open neck shirt, thighs that wide I
suspected to appease a hernia, shouted, ‘Patricia Wells, sorry, but
I haven’t driven two and a half miles to: one, be confronted by an
irrelevance in a tutu, two: to hear you talk about yourself. Kindly
tell us about the distillation of lavender in Medieval times.’ </span>
</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">
<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;"> ***</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Patricia,
distraught, tried to tear her plastic author’s pass. ‘Oh, God, I
hope none of this lot were there.’ This lot being authors falling
on the green room rider and trying not to think about low sales.
‘And the ghastly heckler man didn’t buy my book. Said he’d
ordered it at his library. Bloody libraries! He leant so close over
the signing table, he could probably smell my upset. At any rate, I
could smell his athlete’s foot powder. I feel vaporous. That’s
exactly the word. How would you have dealt with him shouting out?’</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">I
said my own put downs would be overkill for a touring author <i>per
se</i>, as in cabaret I dealt with Friday night stag dos at the
Volupte Burlesque Club, Royal Marines in their Mess, and, on its own
converted Nissan Hut territory, the East Suffolk WI. </span>
</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">‘<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">And
do you think up silencing lines on the spot?’ Patricia asked. </span>
</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">‘<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Very
occasionally. Usually, I have a “Wish I’d thought of saying
that…” moment on the night bus.’</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">‘<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">But
what would you have said just then?’ Patricia was close to
wailing. People were looking over. </span>
</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">‘<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Patricia,
it’s not going to happen to you again. When has it happened ever
before?’</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">She
threw her author’s pass on the table. It just missed landing in
her wine. ‘I could develop a whatever phobia it is of giving book
talks. So, will you please suggest?’</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Automatically,
I had picked up Patricia’s pass. It felt warm and puckered.
Holding it out to her, I suggested...</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">‘<span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">Oh,
my goodness, really?’ she wondered. ‘About his <i>thing</i>?’</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: utopia, serif;">I
nodded, adding, ‘Just never use that line before midday.’</span></p><br /><p></p><p>#booktalk #books #mytutuwentawol #festival #travelwriting </p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-1719644425086984862022-04-23T02:54:00.001-07:002022-04-23T02:54:42.461-07:00Packaging Transforming Content<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg6w9Q-H-H89W1p9a-E_ZnCRKxmQgMc4ztP4v83BztMxpacCCyZNsRpYIBK2frvKr5u8EfPXDIhJPqVj3sZ04MF2zQRVMaLkvaof8B1IVynB5p9D-uKHyGeYYMiiFVXgB1C20dk94EjRNLvBoQg31Cui98JDIa_jjeL4qH2pa-EBKGWErkdPgDh8HsemQ" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1375" data-original-width="1100" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg6w9Q-H-H89W1p9a-E_ZnCRKxmQgMc4ztP4v83BztMxpacCCyZNsRpYIBK2frvKr5u8EfPXDIhJPqVj3sZ04MF2zQRVMaLkvaof8B1IVynB5p9D-uKHyGeYYMiiFVXgB1C20dk94EjRNLvBoQg31Cui98JDIa_jjeL4qH2pa-EBKGWErkdPgDh8HsemQ" width="192" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p><p>I thought I'd found a new café. In this new English market town I've moved to. The café is above the street. Like the one in <i>The Pursuit of Love </i>where Aunt Sadie takes Matt to question him about Jassy running away. It's whitewashed, bright, with thick wool carpet. (I reached down from my chair to stroke it.) </p><p>I sat at a window overlooking the charity shops, hairdressers and other cafes, listening in on elderly women's coffee chat. 'With global warming, you’ll soon not be able to talk about casting ne’er a clout'. ... 'When the care home over the heath wasn't doing very well, my sister would check herself in there while my brother-in-law cooled off after an argument. He told her it'd serve her right if during one of these all laid on luxury sulks she popped her clogs'. ... 'You know my gas man has type-two diabetes? He can also read electricity meters'.</p><p>My hot chocolate, which came in a cup a saucer, accompanied by three toasted marshmallows on a glass Bon Bon, was rich and nutty, with a star dusting of cocoa powder. I wondered what brand the café used?</p><p><br /></p><p>I climbed up to the cafe again last week, this time for take-away. There was a much younger crowd in, failing to control their elbows as they ate huge, shiny, cocktail stick staked burgers. There was no chat for me to overhear. </p><p>I watched as the server grabbed the frothing jug, roux whisk and long handled spoon. She reached behind the coffee machine. </p><p>And did she bring out a <i>By Royal Appointment</i> gilt and turquoise tin?</p><p>No. It was a shrieking purple tub of Cadbury's Drinking Chocolate. </p><p><br /></p><p>See, if I hadn't seen that, I'd still be going in there. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>#contentoverpackaging #marketing #brand #branddesign </p><p><br /></p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-40744875852944352882022-04-21T08:43:00.001-07:002022-04-21T08:43:15.469-07:00The Night I Sang for the Queen<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiyELSM4TbAZYaz1Iiycc0EyPTimqg58nSPBEAOsHr1SyqYOAq4NXTcdWRRQNsfM10b-SAqruMeY-LeQJX4-cKFDWXEYEv9jPBTkqUEwKPWCmKWLsO8Z5NfP0PhDISzM4vq8q2nzoKcI4De3S39-zcfjGvn59r6-CXX2ByCDjL2q7P1M48cZgrTzeKJ_w" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="600" data-original-width="600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiyELSM4TbAZYaz1Iiycc0EyPTimqg58nSPBEAOsHr1SyqYOAq4NXTcdWRRQNsfM10b-SAqruMeY-LeQJX4-cKFDWXEYEv9jPBTkqUEwKPWCmKWLsO8Z5NfP0PhDISzM4vq8q2nzoKcI4De3S39-zcfjGvn59r6-CXX2ByCDjL2q7P1M48cZgrTzeKJ_w=w400-h400" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p>A younger me about to sing onboard HMS <i>Victory </i>for Her Majesty. She commented on my 'rather lovely, touching' singing. Even though I accidentally cut the last verse of <i>The Death of Nelson </i>and left him alive at the end of Trafalgar. </p><p><br /></p><p>#hermajesty #hermajestythequeen #commandperformance #trafalgarday #royalmarinescommando </p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-68730060654212657772022-04-17T00:37:00.003-07:002022-04-17T00:37:32.559-07:00Prayer for Today<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3gUz_KLLkXABqs-nIFmWvBl9NoDNI6WFrK0JqY5kTeyXV9z_zK_PBCpgCXiWR78PhuYcgQtmEOEbUA0fNZg8l9n-yFNTGTh1MHkqaz6iOjub8v2MS6qqe_YuqOQw7Dx0lr-Av9vjKld_kK9rCoGgw2rwIvRMg5Xy9Dx55Pbzv24EN-1KGsB8kQCEi6Q/s720/SPL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="720" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3gUz_KLLkXABqs-nIFmWvBl9NoDNI6WFrK0JqY5kTeyXV9z_zK_PBCpgCXiWR78PhuYcgQtmEOEbUA0fNZg8l9n-yFNTGTh1MHkqaz6iOjub8v2MS6qqe_YuqOQw7Dx0lr-Av9vjKld_kK9rCoGgw2rwIvRMg5Xy9Dx55Pbzv24EN-1KGsB8kQCEi6Q/w400-h400/SPL.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Giving the talk on My Tutu Went AWOL at Sunday Papers Live</span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div>I asked Stacks, ex-Royal Marine, if he would pray for my soul on Easter Sunday. 'You being a devout Catholic, and all.'</div><div><br /></div><div>He said, 'Nah. It took too long last time.' </div><div><br /></div><div><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tutu-Went-AWOL-Iestyn-Edwards/dp/1911586068"><i>Click to read more about Stacks and me. ***** </i></a><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>'The book is achingly funny!' <i>Daily Mail </i></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>#eastersunday #easterday #easter2022 #prayer #religion #christianity </div>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-62437766974195632362022-04-15T01:04:00.004-07:002022-04-15T01:08:26.550-07:00Easter Devotions<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiumPnhBwMBj-WCw0D58XCMMKocJhkmfIzN31Jf4jNNG1JcAbgFtOlaAbCklI-LKse4Ww8ROAkW9JnpCR9SMskCwM6OYNLH-Jp5CeeWwxcjxJSJA3rwquXEP-IRueGQI4kYZoNqVBsSxluT2gwCTrX8IFpAQ3od7C-JYKgMksTKdr8S4YbSvsuUAI_s-Q/s459/R%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="302" data-original-width="459" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiumPnhBwMBj-WCw0D58XCMMKocJhkmfIzN31Jf4jNNG1JcAbgFtOlaAbCklI-LKse4Ww8ROAkW9JnpCR9SMskCwM6OYNLH-Jp5CeeWwxcjxJSJA3rwquXEP-IRueGQI4kYZoNqVBsSxluT2gwCTrX8IFpAQ3od7C-JYKgMksTKdr8S4YbSvsuUAI_s-Q/w400-h264/R%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p>Stacks, Royal Marine, inherited his love of music from his granny. Sadly no longer with us, she was a church organist.</p> Until one Easter.<div><br /> As Stacks tells it, 'She was playing for Devotions. One hymn every hour, on the hour. The churchyard gate was opposite the Dog and Feathers, and she was going over there in the interim. The head verger had to help her up into the organ loft for "There is a Green Hill." He decided after that she was better left. And left. <i>And left</i>. Christ had long since risen while she was still beer-snoring.'</div>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-84412327570166813472022-04-12T00:56:00.005-07:002022-04-12T01:18:23.206-07:00Don't Punch my Child, Please...<p> </p><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> c Joanna Topley </span><p></p><p><b style="text-align: center;"> </b><b style="text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2BBJJuL6YhksHSE-FBGQIx2Q4u0F2l9eUsGj8pTeAU-cRdKQgPW1fLb7xyaN03SRV-em6Z6ZmoPVenHuiy3LoTLVRUsiD09uUBseElefnk61VwtJkewu7-mzt5A0rGLkSuaxIt_2GbUXX/s960/Galina+writing.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2BBJJuL6YhksHSE-FBGQIx2Q4u0F2l9eUsGj8pTeAU-cRdKQgPW1fLb7xyaN03SRV-em6Z6ZmoPVenHuiy3LoTLVRUsiD09uUBseElefnk61VwtJkewu7-mzt5A0rGLkSuaxIt_2GbUXX/s320/Galina+writing.jpg" width="320" /></a></b></p><p><b> </b></p><p><b><br /></b></p><p>Publishing a book is like packing a child off to school knowing somebody will punch it. </p><p>I'm working on another piece of non-fiction, though not a follow up to <i>My Tutu Went AWOL</i>. <span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tutu-Went-AWOL-Iestyn-Edwards/dp/1911586068" target="_blank"><i>Click here to buy</i></a> </span></p><p>I did interview some squaddies for the book. Just not this time about war. </p><p>I asked folk in what circumstances were they told the facts of life - birds and bees, sex-ed, human biology, rumpy-pumpy, smashing some doors front or back, etc - and what precise information were they given?</p><p>I found I could add an unexpected third question - Did you believe what you were told? </p><p>(And a fourth - Did your parents after all need to summon the Flour Advisory Bureau?)</p><p><br /></p><p>I was told: </p><p>'Your future husband will deal with that on an if and when basis.'</p><p>'No woman has ever conceived while in the upright position.'</p><p>'Your stoutest pants will be as nothing, girly, after damp-turn-curfew anywhere near Hereford.'</p><p><br /></p><p>Stork, Gooseberry bush, Argos deliveries. </p><p>Seed packets bearing a picture of the forthcoming child. </p><p>How, being the flipside of Manuka Honey, Immac Cream did for one mother. </p><p><br /></p><p>'When any of those urges overtook me, I was required to go and sit in the privy and sing “Oh, God Our Help in Ages Past” - or similar.'</p><p>'On campuses worldwide there ought to be branches of <i>Toys Up Us.</i>'</p><p>'Granny said an angel's thumb made my sister's dimples but the <i>Devil Made my Todger</i>.' </p><div><br /></div><p>Anna the Hulagan said this second time around I don't sound 'into' the publishing process. </p><p>Well, I mixed a glass and a half of lovely red wine with ongoing antibiotics, you see.</p><p>Forgetting, I no longer drink. </p><p>Having fallen down my stair ladder, <i>pas de chat</i>'d too late through the bathroom door, I'm now not into anything other than antacids, fizzy water and dry Melba toast. </p><p>Which was only Melba toast to being with because I got my combi-oven settings confused and microwaved the bread.</p><p><br /></p><p>But let's stay focussed on my new book, please. </p><p>Again - don't punch my child. </p><p><br /></p><p>#memoir #writing #thedevilmadeyourtodger #sexed #humanbiology #sex #fucking </p><p><br /></p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-40861388908070540192022-04-10T22:27:00.003-07:002022-07-18T05:54:08.233-07:00My Mother Again...<p><i> <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=my+tutu+went+awol&crid=1FHOPJ26FOYZF&sprefix=my+tutu+went+awol%2Caps%2C339&ref=nb_sb_noss" target="_blank">Follow link to buy My Tutu Went AWOL! </a></i></p><p><br /></p><p>First, here's a reminder of my mother, Eirwen Mai:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dA13q3x2w-M" width="320" youtube-src-id="dA13q3x2w-M"></iframe></div><br /><p>Now, this weekend I told Eirwen Mai about my new book, <i>The Devil Made Your Todger</i>. <span style="font-family: Optimum, serif;">I had a long wait to actually speak to her. She had answered the phone, said I must hang on, then left me listening to rustles and clangs. When
she came back on the line, she said, ‘I’d started sweeping up my
leaves and didn’t want them to scarper again off the pile and through
the gate. </span><span style="font-family: Utopia, serif;">Oh, now. What did informed critics say about
your last book?' </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Utopia, serif;">By informed critics, she doesn't mean Libby Purves in the <i>Daily Mail</i>, for example, she means her friends. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Utopia, serif;">'Something to do with you completely misrepresented
our very loving relationship - as Mari saw it, who’ve had her leg off. And Dorothy, who's newly religious so prays over a slice of ham,
thought you went to town on me. And Vic did. Course, I never, ever
got a copy of the book for myself.’</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: Utopia, serif;">She
did. <i>My Tutu Went AWOL! </i>doesn’t have an index. In her copy,
Eirwen Mai has added one.</span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">
<span style="font-family: Utopia, serif;"><i>Mention of yours truly: 4,9,16..</i>. </span>
</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"> <span style="font-family: Utopia, serif;"><i>Miss
out the mentions on 6, 14, 139…as they’re very rude about my waters breaking and my hessian cushion covers.</i></span></p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: Utopia, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">#audiobook #audible #bestseller #mytutuwentawol #author #writerslift #writerscommunity</p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><span style="font-family: Utopia, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><br />
<br />
</p><p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;">
‘</p>
<p class="western" lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm;"><br />
<br />
</p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-15782433686517446532022-04-08T01:22:00.002-07:002022-04-08T01:46:38.819-07:00My Mother Really is Psychic...<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I can still feel the chills as I heard that Radio 4 segment...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/q9uiUTqq35I" width="320" youtube-src-id="q9uiUTqq35I"></iframe></div><br /><p></p><p>#Psyhic #trueghoststory #ghosts #supernatural </p><p><br /></p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-69948375685633279732022-04-05T01:48:00.004-07:002022-04-05T01:48:56.913-07:00A Reading from The Devil Made Your Todger - my forthcoming book of interviews about Sex Ed...or its lack! <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8eiJANvbjwQ" width="320" youtube-src-id="8eiJANvbjwQ"></iframe></div><br /> #sex #sexed #humanbiology #humanreproduction #thebirdsandthebees #thefacsoflife <p></p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-81347585626371231682022-04-02T22:25:00.001-07:002022-04-02T23:09:19.205-07:00Sunday in the Dark <p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgDlMKU-gf4v3OE7fWwHeot4Lo-XjsNnZ005rC97sauoRqiAC-DKdvWXcTpyprR1pjUClDD_GB2nvLVJhhy-NBR7U8bsFzvCA_Nkqa8bvHIkgqovag8DAub6eTIysU_Dmaol0lc7lH_KxwJCgwUfCRrhmTqtnOuV5n_0tKsT7ao2Apkcf0shK6W0Xm7A/s720/SPL.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgDlMKU-gf4v3OE7fWwHeot4Lo-XjsNnZ005rC97sauoRqiAC-DKdvWXcTpyprR1pjUClDD_GB2nvLVJhhy-NBR7U8bsFzvCA_Nkqa8bvHIkgqovag8DAub6eTIysU_Dmaol0lc7lH_KxwJCgwUfCRrhmTqtnOuV5n_0tKsT7ao2Apkcf0shK6W0Xm7A/s320/SPL.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>If you're in the dark about what to expect from my audiobook, <i>My Tutu Went AWOL</i>, let me tell you...</p><p>It's an out-there one. Part travel book, definitely, part war-reportage - strong on comedy - and bromance. </p><p>So, what are its/my credentials? In case that persuades you to buy...</p><p>Well, just for one: relevant today: I've twice presented my all-singing, all-dancing book talk at the wonderful <i>Sunday Papers Live. </i>All turns are a human version of a section of the newspaper. First time I was 'Culture', the second 'People'. (Or vice versa.) Whichever, I was the only person in the green room I didn't recognise from <i>HIGNY</i> or <i>Eight out of Ten Cats does Countdown</i>. Or even <i>Question Time. </i>(This was the comedian whose name I always forget, and who I referred to onstage as 'porno-teddy bear man'. As you do...)</p><p>Happy Sunday, all. </p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tutu-Went-AWOL-Iestyn-Edwards/dp/1911586068"><i>Click to add to my lovely royalty payments, please...</i></a><br /></span></p><p><a href="https://www.sundaypaperslive.com/"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Click to find out more about Sunday Papers Live</span></i></a><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>#audiobook #mytutuwentawol #book #bestseller #sundaypaperslive #sundayvibes</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-62365918145162286292022-04-02T00:59:00.002-07:002022-04-10T00:27:14.439-07:00My Tutu Went AWOL: Have Audiobook...no Need to Travel<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><h3 class="graf graf--h3 graf--empty"><br /></h3><figure class="graf graf--figure" name="24a8"> <img class="graf-image" data-height="320" data-image-id="0*1T9UyTsI1IsFLAUA.jpg" data-is-featured="true" data-width="320" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/1200/0*1T9UyTsI1IsFLAUA.jpg" /></figure><p class="graf graf--p" name="2316"><br /></p><p class="graf graf--p" name="2316">Here’s my audiobook for you.<u> </u><em class="markup--em markup--p-em"><u>Click to buy My Tutu Went AWOL!</u> </em></p><p class="graf graf--p" name="9611">It’s self-narrated: with songs, adlibs and bloopers as standard.</p><p class="graf graf--p graf--startsWithSingleQuote" name="0ea9">‘Achingly funny!’ <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">Daily Mail</em></p><p class="graf graf--p graf--startsWithSingleQuote" name="3c0c">‘A book unlike any other, of a story unlike any other. Totally mad, very funny and highly recommended.’ ***** Dr Adam Kay, author of<em class="markup--em markup--p-em"> This is Going to Hurt: </em>the Nation’s Favourite Book <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">Guardian</em></p><p class="graf graf--p graf--startsWithSingleQuote" name="b8a1">‘One wanted more of his rather lovely singing!’ Her Majesty</p><p class="graf graf--p" name="a8ce">Here’s the story…</p><p class="graf graf--p" name="ea9b">I sang in private formally for the Queen on HMS<em class="markup--em markup--p-em"> Victory</em>, and then accidentally auditioned to take my drag ballerina act out to entertain troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. In full tutu.</p><p class="graf graf--p" name="6acd">When I realised my mistake, I thought I’d go anyway.</p><p class="graf graf--p" name="e8b4">Cut to: with tutu and tiara in a Primark bag, me arriving bedraggled in Basra. As Stacks, the Royal Marines Commando, commented: ‘Being flown out to one of the big two — Iraq and Ghanners — is like you’ve been beamed down off the Starship Enterprise, and this time Scotty’s got the coordinates well and truly buggered!’</p><p class="graf graf--p" name="fb3e">I went from this:</p><figure class="graf graf--figure" name="471a"> <img class="graf-image" data-height="320" data-image-id="0*AJSYtn98V2O6Wjm4.jpg" data-width="320" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/1200/0*AJSYtn98V2O6Wjm4.jpg" /></figure><p class="graf graf--p" name="3a71">…to:</p><figure class="graf graf--figure" name="a440"> <img class="graf-image" data-height="240" data-image-id="0*aDjO1OCpGsuuiTMB.jpg" data-width="320" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/1200/0*aDjO1OCpGsuuiTMB.jpg" /></figure><p class="graf graf--p" name="41a0">The MoD wrote it up as an ‘honourable exchange’ when Stacks furiously hoicked me offstage by the tutu underwiring, ran to the wire and slung me atop the Naughty Tank. </p><p class="graf graf--p" name="72b6">Just as the insurgents started shelling…</p><p class="graf graf--p" name="7b95">#Audible #audiobook #bestseller #selfnarrated #bloopers #bassbaritone</p>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-73396558505010198422022-03-10T07:10:00.001-08:002022-03-10T07:10:15.867-08:00At Cafe de Paris<iframe width="480" height="270" src="https://youtube.com/embed/nRT3Bm7GD1A" frameborder="0"></iframe>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6987172729992190796.post-21382755869425460322022-03-06T01:46:00.002-08:002022-03-06T03:37:34.666-08:00The Artist's Voice: My Tutu Went AWOL: A Drag Ballerina In Iraq And Afghani...<div> Here is what we call my 'whole kit and caboodle book show'. </div><div><br /></div><div> I hope you enjoy it? Let me know in the comments. Thank you for watching. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><iframe frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://youtube.com/embed/sds_EEzG8zw" width="480"></iframe><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>#interview #mytutuwentawol #dragact #events #cabaret #variety #theatre #classicalsinging #bassbaritone<div> </div></div>Iestyn Edwardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08921239720893074918noreply@blogger.com0