Iestyn Edwards Wonders...is it Lumpy or Runny?

Today marks the official end of the tax year. So, let's get the dreaded self-assessment tax return out of the way on the first day it's due, shall we? As if... Let's usher in the season of procrastination that lasts until January the 31st at 23.59:59. Except, sorry to sound swotty, but some fifteen years ago I made a pact with myself to never again spend those however many sleepless days at the end of January sweating in a receipts bath. I now do a mini-tax return each month from my bank statements, then simply tot up the running total on April 5th when I submit my HMRC self-assessment return.  'Oh, bog off!' I hear you all cry. And fair enough.  Of all the self-employed professions, performers and cab drivers most frequently underpay tax;  ergo  they are the two professions most likely to be audited by HMRC.  My advice on this is the Chinese proverb that says:  Don't listen to them, go see. I am not presenting the following examples as being definitiv...

'Your motivation is your pay packet at the end of the week.' Noel Coward. My actor mate Rob has done bloody well, starring in a number of west end and TV shows. When I met him in the mid-noughties he was the tech on my first gig at the Lawrence Batley theatre. He was twenty-one. Tall, handsome, funny; he'd appeared in musicals at the Lawrence Batley Theatre, in adverts, and in  Heartbeat  and  Coronation Street . He also had one of the most beautiful singing voices I had ever heard. Yet he would cry because he couldn't motivate himself to chase more work.  'I will motivate myself,' he said, 'but when the time is right. When I get more than one day off a week from teching the pantomime. When my sister’s back from her gap year in Africa and I don’t have to worry any more about her getting malaria or being Simba sushi. When I’ve done the round of auditions for drama colleges and one of them has said  yes . Though even if they all say  no  I’d probably hav...

In the shopping precinct, travelling up the escalator by the Sky TV begging booth, was a woman with riding hat hair, wearing vegan biscuit colour wool and navy-blue, artisanal bunion shoes. Below her on the escalator was her mix and match slightly pre-teen daughter.  (Though the daughter possibly lacked the bunion vibe to her shoes.) And what could  mother   be pointing out to her daughter; with that look all fairy-delled, magic dusted, morning glorious?   Could it be a unicorn queuing with the key to the all-comers loo in its little bejewelled hoof?  Or Mary Mother of our Lord materialising in the EE shop?   The Elves with a consignment of more bunion friendly footwear from the Shoemaker? What could it be?  I followed the woman's gaze.  To find she was all enraptured over, and by proxy enrapturing her daughter over, the Zara sale window. And I thought, 'Oh...'  Later, outdoors, I passed a father and son. They were dressed as I am: ...

These are from my forthcoming book of Eavesdrops. When I last stayed here, you were alongside a lovely river. The last thing I was expecting was llamas. Let alone, right in the driveway as we arrived, bin-bags on sale of their pooh.   I know you're going for the vintage, bedsit land vibe. Which you've fully achieved with your Baby Belling, bead curtain and candlewick bedspread.  But perhaps think twice about your retro-signage with the mid-last-century acronyms on? H and C and A.M.C. are fine, or course - but not N.P.O.C! If you're going to rent out your narrow boat, you must do something about the over-inquisitive swans.  Apartment?  Really?  At best it's an en-suite-banquette-couchette , ducks.  Being a criminal barrister, I’ve consulted with convicted murders in bigger spaces under the Old Bailey.   I really don't think the "Things of Interest to do in Wiltshire" folder should include cash only order forms for your home-made scones, fudge,...

                                                                                        I still call these ‘hyacinths’. (Kidding…) Talking of the first day of spring — the year I was seven, in late October (bear with me, I know what I’m doing here…I think…) Miss Postlethwaite gave each of her Holy Trinity students a daffodil bulb to overwinter. She asked us to bring the plants back into school on the first day of spring. I carefully slid my bulb in its faux terracotta pot to the back of the three-corner cupboard in the sitting room.  Beneath the square of carpet where the cupboard stood, I had over time hidden certain LPs belonging to my father; thus putting an end to being made to sit with my parents and brother plus various Lillians, Connies and Brendas (hous...

Another transcript of a Tarot reading: "Thank you very much for drawing near: angels, ancestors, spirits, God of the universe, intergalactic beings, elders. Look...the Tower, I’m telling you Taurus! There is something black flying around. This is a spy bot from the Illuminati to see what I’m telling you. We have the Justice card on its side. That’s interesting. This may be a court case, or you waiting to hear from the authorities. You will receive justice. The court house card hit the planets die and it turned to Uranus. But us Uranus on your side? False, court, shit, coffin. Wealthy man, half way, loves, privileged lady. You’re about to get sent a brand new soul mate. It could be a Taurus, like yourself, or an Aquarius or Libra. He, she, they, them, this is a brand new energy. See the flowers...new beginnings. This is the spiritual court’s ruling. Whoever is your counterpart in the spiritual realm – that you have the psychic mission to go on with – was taking too long, so the...

With all the activity in the stars, and it being my birthday month, I've been looking to YouTube for guidance.  Here's a transcript of what I learned: Taurus.  Lovers and Friends. You’re seeing rainbows – maybe a beautiful one - or flowers. Things are growing. I’m picking up birthdays. [Really?! What a coincidence: a Taurus birthday falling in the Taurus month...] What gift are you activating? We have the temple of truth and – beautiful – your throat chakra is opening. A singer or a speaker of a celebrant. I’m picking up heavy music, some sort of water. What you’re saying comes straight from the divine. Taking your power back. You’re in your energy with your throat chakra. If you do music, you communicate, and are taking back your power. You could be a healer and could be opening the door to a new car or house. This card says, Don’t Trust. You’re really powerful right now. Something about manifesting through your speaking. A lot of positive energy here. Again, we have taking ...