Iestyn Edwards is...what?

  This happened. The editor thinks it's a book of dog sitter stories waiting to happen. I am scribbling away at same...  I first house-sat by accident. I was originally at Haven House, Lembton, as a live-in safety net for Lady Olive Simmonds, a seventy-nine year-old Bostonian with a lilac afro, a Temazepam habit and leg ulcers. Haven House was by the sea. Eighteenth century, elegant, comfortable.  But there was Olive... Always in pain; either drunk, hungover or both; barely educated. She had married a man who was knighted, and believed this gave her a licence to be a twat. According to Olive, her fellow Lembtonians were all dull academics - this group having reading ages older than hers, which was thirteen - or failed schizophrenics. She had serious monophobia, with staff working (unnecessarily) every day apart from weekends. At weekends, first thing, anxious, she would ring round the Lembtonians that were still speaking to her - six in number - inviting them for coffee, ...

     All I remember about this night was the Royal Marine  confiscating my chocolate HMS Victory canon ball...   Lovely mention from  The Telegraph  about the Trafalgar 200 supper on board HMS  Victory  with Her Majesty and the Duke of Edinburgh as guests of honour.  Lula, harp, and I performed the Duke of Edinburgh's favourite song. 

You know those times when we get borderline catatonic watching all and sundry chase their goals? Hearing them tell us how to achieve ours? It gets that bit too glossy, bossy — and, yes, drossy . (I may have invented that word…) But then what do I know? I can’t even use the IG filters prettily. Perhaps, first let’s admit how, far from having all the answers, we don’t even know the questions. Then — maybe, let’s not push this — consider one thing we might know. What we don’t want in life . Start there. List those things. Along with the very beginning , knowing what you don’t want in your life is a very good place to start! Look at that — a Sound of Music reference for first thing on a cloudy Thursday. Talking of today’s weather - earlier, I came out with this spoonerism: ‘Oh, it’s gone a clit boudy …’ Ooh, er , missus. #goals#goalsetting#selfhelp#motivation#motivational

 

                            Therese, soprano, never uses a library. ‘Oh, no, Iestyn. Unlike you, I pride myself on always buying my books.’ I agree with Helene Hanff, who said that buying a book you haven’t read is like buying a dress without trying it on. ‘How do you know the dress will fit, Therese?’ I asked. ‘I always know what’s going to fit me, book-wisely speaking. I tune into asking the universe what it needs me to read for the greater good, go into the bookshop and find that I’m drawn to a department, then a section of carpet, then the particular shelf and there will book the book, in a sort of outline of almost light picked out from the others around it.’ ‘But there are billions of books out there, Therese, in umpteen shops, divided into squillions of bits of carpet and…’ She was giving me her look: a nurse at my hospital bed telling me the prognosis was far from ideal. ‘Yes, but with me it’s narrowed down q...

                                                                 Being camp in Camp Basra... Stacks, ex-Royal Marines Commando, recently watched my Tutu Went AWOL! show on Zoom. He had notes. I was shifting from foot to foot, he said, and gesturing too much. 'And you must put back the stuff about the Brigadier and your fellow comedian being homophobic...' The Brigadier had been sneering about my act, saying it would be more suited to Butlins. But, more importantly, he believed I was an 'inappropriate influence on 42 Commando'.  Stacks, deadpan, commented, 'Sir, before Iestyn started hanging out with us, sir, it had never occurred to him to play Tiddlywinks with anything other than his thumb, sir.'  My fellow comedian, who I'll call Mark, because that's his name, asked Reg, Garrison Sergeant Major, in front of ...

I overheard this on my walk earlier: WOMAN. Look, those cows are lying down because it's raining. MAN. Is that really a thing? WOMAN. Well, they're lying down, aren't they? MAN. Yes, but those other cows further up there are standing. WOMAN. I expect that's because they  want  to get wet.  #overheard#eavesdropping#life#funny#comedy#humour#humor#publicspeaker#talks#theatre#walks