Thursday, 23 June 2016

Brexit, Bleach and B-Holes

  I haven't posted anything recently. Two self-proclaimed critics wouldn't take their telling off and argued with me about it, which wasted my time, ink and rage - more of that at some point in the future.  And I've been working with editor Mike Jones on the book My Tutu Went AWOL!  
  And now the UK has left the EU. 
  The housekeeper of the flats where I live said thai leaving the EU would mean that the landlord would have to pay her properly. 'The cheap labour Lithuanians - who just want to bleach everything - will dry up.'
  And my muscle-boy mate, who does semi-nude posing shows on Skype, believed that a similar thing would happen in his world to boost his earnings. 'Leaving will get rid of these fucking Romanians showing actual bumhole for a fiver.'
  Tragically, both these people could vote. 

Monday, 6 June 2016

The Jolly that Wasn't

 By the carpark opposite the Scallop Shell on Aldeburgh beach I overheard a man on his phone.  
  He was saying, 'But it gets her out, there's air, and I'm taking her to see an interesting landmark.  It's just that she'll be ungrateful.  Always is.'
  Walking about ten yards behind him was an elderly lady, leaning heavily on a stick and watching the ground. Just then she looked up and across the shingle at the Scallop Shell and demanded to know, 'What's that bloody thing?' 
  Hurriedly winding up his call he answered, 'It's the famous Scallop Shell. It's what I've brought to all this way to see, mum.'
  She leant slightly away from her stick to look him in the face. 'All this way - and there's this wind - and you think I'm going to enjoy looking at something like that?  I may be totally alone indoors, and I may feel that at times and get a bit down. But really - '
  He said, 'Well, we can go straight back in the car if you wanted?'
  'Oh, no, as you've laid the guilt on me about how thought out this trip is on your part, we must go all the way over there for the sake of cooing over the bloody thing, mustn't we? But for future reference, I'd rather not be forced out on these jollies that are anything but.  There are such things as human rights. Now, come on. It'll be tough getting all the way over there on these stones, me on this stick and all.  But as Mary Poppins had it, "Well begun is half done".'  
  Shoving the stick in among the stones she muttered. 'Daft bitch.  Probably a dyke, if you read between the lines.'


Saturday, 4 June 2016

Ali Can't be Emulated

  Because Muhammad Ali was the epitome of a world champion, it's annoying me that the PT wannabe combatant brigade is sharing one his quotes to get attention and to kid on that they could possibly emulate him. Here's the quote: 
  'I hated every minute of training.  But I said: "Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion".' 
  Interesting that he admits to hating the training.  According to the Russian adage, quoted at many a ballerina over the years, there can be no hate. 'If you love to toboggan, then you must love to carry the toboggan to the top of the hill.' 
  My nan had an inspirational adage all of her own. 'If you want to keep the chronic family flatulence under control, you'll have to suffer licking the carbon straight off the coal as it is untouched in nan's scuttle.' 

  But, now, let's welcome the humility of knowing that an Ali, like a Ponselle, a Pavlova, or a Tolstoy, can't be emulated but must be set apart. 

Friday, 3 June 2016

On the Modernisation of the Church

  A new vicar in Aldeburgh was approached by Lady Davies and Daisy Williams-Smythe, among others, hoping that he would abandon the shaking of hands when the Peace was given. He thought their request reflected a worry about the Church becoming too happy-clappy. Actually, Lady Davies and co were worried that they might be shaking hands with a fisherman or their daily or that ghastly unfrocked monk from the bric-a-brac shop. 


Thursday, 2 June 2016

I Like Living in a Village...

  When I bumped into Carol from the shop today she said she'd seen me yesterday passing her bungalow going onto the heath. 'Bet you didn't expect to have to wear your wellies this time of year going your favourite way to the piggery and back, did you?' 
  'I know!  The pigs were surprised at it. Staring at me...'
  Carol has a slow smile, but it's worth waiting for. 

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

East Suffolk Power Cut

  Sign that automatically turns to face the wrong way so that people aren't encouraged to venture into Thorpeness during a power-cut, where they'll have to listen to the inevitable person described below...

  There was a power cut yesterday.  From eight-fifteen until eleven forty-five. Irritating for everyone to a greater or lesser degree. 
  And then there was the inevitable person walking around volunteering information about a previous power cut that lasted three weeks and started right in the middle of their dialysis. Apparently, they had to resort to the petrol-syphoning method through the tube from their freshwater aquarium pump. 
  I may have made up that last bit.