Iestyn Edwards is...what?

  He walked to the other end of the bench like a cowboy just off a horse. He looked like a hollowed out Richard Harris, wearing tailored jeans, a horizontally striped cotton t-shirt and a Miss Marple gardening hat. ‘May I sit here?’ ‘ Of course.’ He sat, nodding. Then, after a while, ‘What a quaint little town this is.’ ‘ Really? With all the Tudor and the Halls?’ ‘ Oh, granted. But I’ve just come back from living thirty years in Australia.’ Ah, that was the tang in the otherwise smooth, cultivated. ‘Sydney. Divorced my wife after all that time. Left her the house. A million dollars’ worth. The house, not her. Though I used to think she was. Women can do that to men. It’s because they have to ensnare – not all, of course, but quite a number in my experience – as they have fewer basic freedoms than us. Going to the pub alone, for instance.’ He had brightly cold blue eyes, that held no reflection of what he was saying. ‘I’m back here living in the flat I bought for my moth...

  Tammy, in her seventies, was waiting in the square while the caretaker fixed her hot water. She agreed to let me take notes. ‘ Well, as I say, I began as a Lucy Clayton girl.’ My friend Al went to Lucy Clayton. She told me, 'I learned deportment. That slight swivel walk. Getting in and out of cars. What blank expression to wear while a man lights your cigarette. How to eat your first mussel with a fork, and all subsequent mussels with the shell of that first one. Riveting and fully essential.' Tammy continued, ‘You probably can’t believe I went in for modelling. My face is like this because I get such bad depression.’ When she talked, her lower jaw made a juddery nutcracker movement. ‘I did shop modelling at Fortnum's. Fenwick's. Oh - now, then - also later on at the Co-Op. Their slogan being: Shop at the Co-Op and be H appy . I had to provide the clothes for that one. That didn’t make me happy. The canteen at Fortnum's was a cut above. We all loved it, our f...

  Here’s my audiobook for you.   Will you buy? Click here It’s self-narrated: with songs, adlibs and bloopers as standard. ‘Achingly funny!’ Daily Mail ‘A book unlike any other, of a story unlike any other. Totally mad, very funny and highly recommended.’ ***** Dr Adam Kay, author of This is Going to Hurt: the Nation’s Favourite Book Guardian Here’s the story… I sang in private formally for Queen Elisabeth ii on HMS Victory , and then accidentally auditioned to take my drag ballerina act out to entertain troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.  In full tutu. When I realised my mistake, I thought I’d go anyway. Cut to: with tutu and tiara in a Primark bag, me arriving bedraggled in Basra. As Stacks, the Royal Marines Commando, commented: ‘Being flown out to one of the big two — Iraq and Afghanistan — is like you’ve been beamed down off the Starship Enterprise, and this time Scotty’s got the coordinates well and truly buggered!’ I went from this:         ...

'Brian the verger snapped at me after I tried gently to tell him the church was too cold for a first communion. And of course I didn't want to be physically rude back.' 'Look at the world around you. Where do you see glimmers of the divine?' 'You get to his age, and life is a process of getting gradually slower and smellier.' 'I've seen a harelip recently and someone with boss eyes. I thought we'd all but eradicated such things?  It'll be an urchin in callipers next.' 'Bus driver couldn’t say to me about changes of route but my mate in Radwinter had forewarned me she could feel them coming on.' 'Venus is in Aries. So don't flush your sinuses.' 'Judd doesn't understand the neck bit of his apron again.' 'He looks like he might be married to her. He's got a Mini-Filofax.' 'We toasted her teacake so fast we were wandering around announcing for someone to claim it and she was still in the queue t...

'I saw the saddest little thing on a date leaf in a library book. "Judy. I’m writing my name because I have nothing and I’m beside myself to own something. Even just till the last date stamped".'  'Why would you let him put ointment on your back ribs if you didn't ask for it? I doubt you’d be even that casual when it came to putting custard on an Eccles Cake.' 'The electrician you sent me says he's got the same problem today - Thursday - that he had on Tuesday – and shouldn't have stayed in Cromer beyond Friday.' 'Her new at your pharmacy can't read the doctor's handwriting to such a lesser extent, I’m tempted to try all my latest medicines at the counter, and wait while they take effect for better or worse.' 'Oh, you’d be surprised.  There's a lot of people that go and sing in choirs on the quiet.' 'Remember the flurry of Naomis named after the round the yacht woman?  Then they died off. Like the onset of Au...

'Famous actors don't need to dress like famous actors. Apart from Simon Callow always seems to.' 'She smells like she hasn't actually had that winter coat out as much as needed.' 'Christopher, you can't possibly know that Sea Salt won't have a man's fragrance.' 'None of us on the till thought it was possible to override the take away drinks machine and do an oat milk hot chocolate. But Little Mary went on a mission. Sally and Big Mary were looking on, to see how Little Mary managed it. I stayed out of the way - didn't want any part, sorry. Took ever so long. Janice buttered at least three crusty rolls in the meantime.  'When she handed the drink over Little Mary asked the customer if it was okay - it being a bit of a freak beverage - and he said it wasn't as hot as it could be, but that meant it wouldn't over-melt the marshmallow on his Easter Bunny biscuit, would it?  'Mary said, "All's well that ends well, t...

At the station, Eirwen was standing beneath the Suffolk in Bloom prize-winner sign. She had shrunk again. I was waiting in the car. Gerard, picking up her suitcase (she gave him a  Don’t expect a tip look) congratulated her on the win.  She frowned. He pointed upward at the sign. She saw and said, ‘Oh, are we thinking that’s funny?’ Walking to the car Gerard asked what he should call her? ‘Mrs Edwards. Or Ms Silcox, my maiden name.’ I said, ‘And you can call him, The Right Honourable Gerard Crastley.’ Passing Eirwen’s case behind me, Gerard said, ‘Thank God one day Lord will at least be shorter.’  He didn’t see Eirwen’s disgusted look.  She waited for him to turn round so he could.  ‘Have you got anything special planned, or just seeing your special son,' he asked, driving onto the High Street.  ‘I don’t know what there is to be done here at all.’ ‘Nothing,’ I said. ‘I told you.’ To try and make her refuse to come. ‘Very quiet.’ I had invited her to stay ...