The Devil Made Your Todger- some thoughts on sex

c Joanna Topley

It's like packing a child off to school knowing someone might punch it...

I sent my agent my second book. (See in bold above.) Another piece of non-fiction, though not a follow up to My Tutu Went AWOL. I did interview some squaddies for it. Just not this time about war.

I asked in what circumstances were folk told the facts of life - birds and bees, sex-ed, human biology, rumpy-pumpy, smashing some doors front or back, etc - and what precise information were they given?

I found I could add an unexpected third question - Did you believe what you were told?

(And a fourth - Did your parents after all need to send for the Flour Advisory Bureau?)

I heard:

'Your future husband will deal with that on an if and when basis.'

'No woman has ever conceived while in the upright position.'

'Your stoutest pants will be as nothing, girly, if after damp-turn-curfew a Hereford Memegwesi fires true through his hollow reed.'

Stork, Gooseberry bush, Argos deliveries.

Seed packets bearing a picture of the forthcoming child.

How, being the flipside of Manuka Honey, Immac Cream did for one mother.

'When any of those urges overtook me, I was required to go and sit in the privy and sing “Oh, God Our Help in Ages Past” - or similar.'

'On campuses worldwide there ought to be branches of Toys Up Us.'

'Granny said an angel's thumb made my sister's dimples but Satan made my todger.'

Anna the Hulagan said this second time around I don't sound 'into' the publishing process.

I'm about to send a voice clip telling her in celebration I mixed a glass and a half of lovely red wine with ongoing antibiotics.

I no longer drink.

Having fallen down my stair ladder, knocked over my Christmas tree, pas de chat'd too late through the bathroom door, I'm now not into anything other than antacids, sparkling water and dry Melba toast.

Which was only Melba toast to being with because I got my combi-oven settings confused and microwaved the bread.

So, anyway...please don't punch my child.

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