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He can Kill with his Bare Anything you Fancy...or The Taxman Loometh

  Bored and fearful during the run up to filling in my tax return, I thought I'd have a bit of fun...


Are you confused, the Inland Revenue pamphlet wondered, about what constitutes being self-employed as opposed to employed? For your own self-elucidation we advise you to answer in writing the questions highlighted in the enclosed pamphlet with specific reference to your last completed paid employment.  Your answers should be written in ink. 

   I was actually planning on blood, but if you insist. 



  Yes to the following constitutes being employed: 


  Can someone tell you where to work, when to work, how to  

  work or what to do?      

   

  Not since I got the restriction order on my mother, no.  

 

Everything further in this section was a ‘pass’, so I moved on. 


 

 Regarding your last completed paid employment did someone other than yourself hire you to do the work? 

 

  Yes. 

  

 If you answered ‘yes’ to the above, by whom were you hired to do the work? 

  Finch Loudet

  

 Had the person employed you before? 

  Yes. 

  

 What did the person named hire you to do? 

  Dub some dialogue on a gay pornographic film. 

  

 Was your work hands on? 

   Sadly not.  

   

  Did you provide the main items of equipment (not the small tools that many     

  employees  provide for themselves) needed to do the job?  

  Mr Taxman, you don’t want to let our star, Vitali Asztalos, hear you casting  

  aspersions about small tools for the job – he’s a Magyar, competitive gymnast  

  parallel bars specialist and ex-Hungarian Defence Forces, thus presumably able to   

  kill with his bare anything you might fancy. 

   

This last page has been left blank for your own use.   

  Hardly blank, when you’ve typed the above on it.   

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