He can Kill with his Bare Anything you Fancy...or The Taxman Loometh

Bored and fearful during the run up to filling in my tax return, I thought I'd have a bit of fun...

Are you confused, the Inland Revenue pamphlet wondered, about what constitutes being self-employed as opposed to employed? For your own self-elucidation we advise you to answer in writing the questions highlighted in the enclosed pamphlet with specific reference to your last completed paid employment. Your answers should be written in ink.

I was actually planning on blood, but if you insist.

Yes to the following constitutes being employed:

Can someone tell you where to work, when to work, how to

work or what to do?

Not since I got the restriction order on my mother, no.

Everything further in this section was a ‘pass’, so I moved on.

Regarding your last completed paid employment did someone other than yourself hire you to do the work?

Yes.

If you answered ‘yes’ to the above, by whom were you hired to do the work?

Finch Loudet

Had the person employed you before?

Yes.

What did the person named hire you to do?

Dub some dialogue on a gay pornographic film.

Was your work hands on?

Sadly not.

Did you provide the main items of equipment (not the small tools that many

employees provide for themselves) needed to do the job?

Mr Taxman, you don’t want to let our star, Vitali Asztalos, hear you casting

aspersions about small tools for the job – he’s a Magyar, competitive gymnast

parallel bars specialist and ex-Hungarian Defence Forces, thus presumably able to

kill with his bare anything you might fancy.

This last page has been left blank for your own use.

Hardly blank, when you’ve typed the above on it.

Comments

My Mate Jamie-Ray Hartshorne

I've been noticing that alongside photos of Jamie-Ray being a lead in Altar Boys , creating Change My Body UK TM , working the door at Freedom - and clearly asking people passing by wherever that rockpool may be to snap a double-bicep - this sort of thing is cropping up on his social media: We're in The Diner, Jamestown Road, Camden. He's between tour dates of The Bodyguard, and meetings to discuss sportswear and creatine endorsements. The latter, he says, being all about making his product better. Between sips of his peanut butter milkshake (he's allowing himself dairy today in my honour - I don't quite know how to take that) he says in his soft Brum, 'I've signed up for a major Muay Thai event in Thailand next February. I'm going up against one of the Thai fighters. That's the only real way to gain any respect in the fighting world. That's why you've been noticing the combat photos. I...

Some Favourite Books - But Please don't Lesbify Dame Agatha's Denouements

I'm too tired to read anything new so have been round the libraries taking out my default-setting books to read over Christmas. These include: The Pursuit of Love , Nancy Mitford. The blood-stained entrenching tool displayed above the fireplace, child-hunting over Shenley Common, Jassy traumatising the local children telling them the facts of life. The scene at the Gare du Nord where Linda sits on her luggage to cry and meets Fabrice always takes me back to the first reading of the novel, sitting wrapped in my Welsh Tweed shawl, in a tiny bedroom on the eighteenth floor of a high-rise in Kennington. The Pursuit of Love is romantic, hilarious and bleakly eccentric. Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady , Florence King. When I entertained troops on the American base in Kandahar, four South Carolina army captains made me an Honorary Southern Belle. Madame Galina, they said, in all her unreasonable, high-blooded,...

How to...Self-Assessment Tax

As we near the end of the year a performer's thoughts will turn to the dreaded self assessment tax return. Eight years ago I made a pact with myself never again to put myself through those two days of surfing receipts; forging official contracts for looking after Lady Carter's pug Mr Timothy; wondering if I would get away with claiming for two pints of Fullers Honeydew, bought to silence a city boy smoking outside the Rising Sun in Cloth Fair, after he saw me help myself to some of the festive flora on the railings of St Barts church to arrange in my hair having forgotten my tiara for a Christmas gig at Club Kabaret . I now do a mini-tax return each month when my bank statements come, and simply tot up the running total on April 6th when I submit my HMRC self-assessment return. Of all the self-employed professions, performers and cab drivers most frequently underpay tax; ergo they are the two professions most likely to be audited by HMRC ...

Iestyn Edwards Wonders...is it Lumpy or Runny?

Search This Blog