Hecking Antiques Roadshow

EXPERT. The legs are a feature of this table...
ME. ...otherwise we'd be looking at a flat piece of wood on the floor.

EXPERT. If I just turn the jug over...
ME. ...it'll be something that we in the trade call "upside down".

EXPERT. It's a cabinet...
ME. ...by which I don't mean the ministers in the government, but a piece of furniture against the wall of your sitting room, with sherry, half a pulled Christmas Cracker and Kerplunk! in it.

  EXPERT. Views of children are very sought after, for example...
ME. ...for example, is there enough room in the toe in these new shoes?

EXPERT. If this Tonka Toy were in its original box, now, of course...
ME. ...it would be less fun to play with and you would have to accordingly muffle your broom, broom sounds.

EXPERT. ...with this lovely gilt pin on the back...
ME. ...jewellers stopped putting the lovely gilt pin on the front following complaints from women that then brooches fell straight off the bosom.

EXPERT. No, I should never...
ME. ...never give myself the weekend off trying to crowdfund my book and spend it watching TV.

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