Hecking Antiques Roadshow

EXPERT. The legs are a feature of this table...
ME. ...otherwise we'd be looking at a flat piece of wood on the floor.

EXPERT. If I just turn the jug over...
ME. ...it'll be something that we in the trade call "upside down".

EXPERT. It's a cabinet...
ME. ...by which I don't mean the ministers in the government, but a piece of furniture against the wall of your sitting room, with sherry, half a pulled Christmas Cracker and Kerplunk! in it.

  EXPERT. Views of children are very sought after, for example...
ME. ...for example, is there enough room in the toe in these new shoes?

EXPERT. If this Tonka Toy were in its original box, now, of course...
ME. ...it would be less fun to play with and you would have to accordingly muffle your broom, broom sounds.

EXPERT. ...with this lovely gilt pin on the back...
ME. ...jewellers stopped putting the lovely gilt pin on the front following complaints from women that then brooches fell straight off the bosom.

EXPERT. No, I should never...
ME. ...never give myself the weekend off trying to crowdfund my book and spend it watching TV.

Comments

My Mate Jamie-Ray Hartshorne

I've been noticing that alongside photos of Jamie-Ray being a lead in Altar Boys , creating Change My Body UK TM , working the door at Freedom - and clearly asking people passing by wherever that rockpool may be to snap a double-bicep - this sort of thing is cropping up on his social media: We're in The Diner, Jamestown Road, Camden. He's between tour dates of The Bodyguard, and meetings to discuss sportswear and creatine endorsements. The latter, he says, being all about making his product better. Between sips of his peanut butter milkshake (he's allowing himself dairy today in my honour - I don't quite know how to take that) he says in his soft Brum, 'I've signed up for a major Muay Thai event in Thailand next February. I'm going up against one of the Thai fighters. That's the only real way to gain any respect in the fighting world. That's why you've been noticing the combat photos. I...

Me Featuring in The Sunday Times, Nicely...

This happened. The editor thinks it's a book of dog sitter stories waiting to happen. I am scribbling away at same... I first house-sat by accident. I was originally at Haven House, Lembton, as a live-in safety net for Lady Olive Simmonds, a seventy-nine year-old Bostonian with a lilac afro, a Temazepam habit and leg ulcers. Haven House was by the sea. Eighteenth century, elegant, comfortable. But there was Olive... Always in pain; either drunk, hungover or both; barely educated. She had married a man who was knighted, and believed this gave her a licence to be a twat. According to Olive, her fellow Lembtonians were all dull academics - this group having reading ages older than hers, which was thirteen - or failed schizophrenics. She had serious monophobia, with staff working (unnecessarily) every day apart from weekends. At weekends, first thing, anxious, she would ring round the Lembtonians that were still speaking to her - six in number - inviting them for coffee, ...

Remembering the Duke of Edinburgh

All I remember about this night was the Royal Marine confiscating my chocolate HMS Victory canon ball... Lovely mention from The Telegraph about the Trafalgar 200 supper on board HMS Victory with Her Majesty and the Duke of Edinburgh as guests of honour. Lula, harp, and I performed the Duke of Edinburgh's favourite song.

Iestyn Edwards is...what?

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