TripAdvisor for Cross-Dressed Clowns...

I've collated these results from audience survey forms. I use them as material in my live show.

He was exactly the right size for the venue.

The two people in front of me didn't like him.

I think I may have liked him more readily than did other village folk, because my great chum Lord Julian was one of the earliest people ever to suffer a death from AIDS.

This act should be on some kind of TripAdvisor or Google Reviews or talent finder for cross-dressed clowns. Before we booked Madame Galina Ballet Star Galactica, we used to have classical string quartets and classical piano recitals. I suspect we'll be going back to those.

His book is ideal for a second-home spare bedroom!

He's an interesting racial mix, isn't he - obviously half Maori, half Jewish.

What on earth must his parents be like?

No wonder his shoes were in that state when he went onstage - I warned him if he took the short cut to the village hall at his planned time, then the cows would have been taken across and it would all be the wrong kind of squidgy!

I doubt in future we'll let a visiting artiste judge the quiche and jam making.

What was wrong with the raffle?

He could be the love child of Anne Widdecombe.

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