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Don't Punch my Child, Please...

                                      

                                                                                                                                                          c Joanna Topley 

                                     

       


Publishing a book is like packing a child off to school knowing somebody will punch it.  

I'm working on another piece of non-fiction, though not a follow up to My Tutu Went AWOL. Click here to buy 

I did interview some squaddies for the book.  Just not this time about war. 

I asked folk in what circumstances were they told the facts of life - birds and bees, sex-ed, human biology, rumpy-pumpy, smashing some doors front or back, etc - and what precise information were they given?

I found I could add an unexpected third question - Did you believe what you were told?  

(And a fourth - Did your parents after all need to summon the Flour Advisory Bureau?)


I was told:  

'Your future husband will deal with that on an if and when basis.'

'No woman has ever conceived while in the upright position.'

'Your stoutest pants will be as nothing, girly, after damp-turn-curfew anywhere near Hereford.'


Stork, Gooseberry bush, Argos deliveries.  

Seed packets bearing a picture of the forthcoming child.  

How, being the flipside of Manuka Honey, Immac Cream did for one mother.  


'When any of those urges overtook me, I was required to go and sit in the privy and sing “Oh, God Our Help in Ages Past” - or similar.'

'On campuses worldwide there ought to be branches of Toys Up Us.'

'Granny said an angel's thumb made my sister's dimples but the Devil Made my Todger.' 


Anna the Hulagan said this second time around I don't sound 'into' the publishing process.  

Well, I mixed a glass and a half of lovely red wine with ongoing antibiotics, you see.

Forgetting, I no longer drink. 

Having fallen down my stair ladder, pas de chat'd too late through the bathroom door, I'm now not into anything other than antacids, fizzy water and dry Melba toast. 

Which was only Melba toast to being with because I got my combi-oven settings confused and microwaved the bread.


But let's stay focussed on my new book, please.  

Again - don't punch my child. 


#memoir #writing #thedevilmadeyourtodger #sexed #humanbiology #sex #fucking 


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