Air BnB Reviews

These are from my forthcoming book of Eavesdrops.

When I last stayed here, you were alongside a lovely river.

The last thing I was expecting was llamas. Let alone, right in the driveway as we arrived, bin-bags on sale of their pooh.  

I know you're going for the vintage, bedsit land vibe. Which you've fully achieved with your Baby Belling, bead curtain and candlewick bedspread.  But perhaps think twice about your retro-signage with the mid-last-century acronyms on? H and C and A.M.C. are fine, or course - but not N.P.O.C!

If you're going to rent out your narrow boat, you must do something about the over-inquisitive swans. 

Apartment?  Really?  At best it's an en-suite-banquette-couchette, ducks.  Being a criminal barrister, I’ve consulted with convicted murders in bigger spaces under the Old Bailey.  

I really don't think the "Things of Interest to do in Wiltshire" folder should include cash only order forms for your home-made scones, fudge, jam, eco-friendly soap-ends squidgy balls, or the self-produced CD of you singing jazz. On that 'note' – ha ha - you do tend to sing a fair bit around the host quarters at quite unsociable times. 

To add insult to injury after we were quite seriously locked out of our rental, the homeowner, Ed, said he never had difficulty remembering his key safe code as it is date of The Battle of Hastings - not to mention he was born in October 1966. Like this was meant to help. Some people are just born narcissists.

Well, seeing so much of the canal network is fun! You’re probably confused to read that sentence? Your narrow boat is lovely. Well maintained and appointed and (originally, at least...read on...) in a lovely spot. However, at the beginning of our very much not free stay in it, we discovered that your boat was right at the end of its fortnight's free mooring period. Your immediate neighbours are both permanent and resentful. We were getting all too frequent comments starting with, 'We know it's not actually your problem, but...' followed up by details of however many previous times you've overstayed the free mooring period here, how you're not actually allowed to sublet, and how you were strongly suspected of filching a bag of coal from Sandra and Mike. The upshot being, we took the initiative and have put an end to your overstay. We've pootled quite a way away now. Six locks and counting. 

Staying in your property made me finally realise that I basically just don't get on with other people's four walls. 

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