Skip to main content

A Tale of True Love on Valentine's





'What a creaky lift that was. But, let's remember, the hotel is originally ever so old.' As she pushed the buggy down the hotel corridor, the woman reassured her toddler. 'But it does look cute.' Not sounding as though she really believed herself. 'Oh, we go this way. There will be lots of people here this weekend, with the date. We mustn't forget our exercises, so we can have ourselves a bit of a cheat-treat.' From her build and the sportswear, I assumed the woman was a PT. 'You'll enjoy yourself. Ooh, brace yourself, Rico, a bit of manoeuvring...'

She turned at the end of the corridor. 

Rico wasn't a toddler. 

It was a pug. 

In its buggy. 



'This is Rico. I'm Jill. He's a rescue pug. Fawn.'

'Iestyn. Variety turn. Sitting in the hotel lobby, like Miss Marple, watching the comings and goings.'

'I'm a peripatetic masseuse for top sports teams.' 

I felt there was a dichotomy between Jill's physical impressiveness and her chatty kindliness. 

Imagine Jane Austen's Miss Bates being built like Cat Woman.

And, goodness, how the peripatetic have proliferated. When I was a child in the nineteen seventies, only certain blue collar workers, piano tuners, Avon Ladies, insurance salesmen, rag and bone men, Jehovah’s Witnesses, tinkers and exorcists were peripatetic. Today we have peripatetic burlesque and taxidermy.

Never, we would hope, as a package deal. 


Whenever Jill mentioned any of the sports teams she worked with (only in passing while she was discussing Rico: all her conversation was based around Rico) she would mouth the name. 

'I've been able again to take Rico on the Pet Express. I was on my way to work with Bayern Munich. That's one of the places I had such an issue with the wives and girlfriends. I can be trusted, totally, but they're just so bloody thick and common. Rico likes you! I am pleased to see that. A lot of people think he looks funny. It's that thing - there - he does with his tongue.' Rico had just turned his eyes full on me, wheezing his approval of my under-chin-chucking. 'He's my everything. Four years ago the boyfriend said to me, "It's me or the dog" - right, then, easy decision made, there.' Her laugh was a full-body spasm. 'When I rescued Rico (I was working with Bristol Rovers at the time,) he had cigarette burns on his little face. Can you believe what people will do?' Interestingly, she didn't look especially traumatised just now. 'Also, a bit of an issue with the fur around his right hip. At the rescue centre they actually told me they thought I might be better off buying. I was appalled!' She looked it, eyes widening in the direction of the Steyne, with its statue of the boy holding the fishes. 'I told them, "We adopt, we don't shop". The Pet Express mustn't get too big -  they have three buses just now - or like with everything else, their prices will go shooting up. And Rico likes his little treats. Meat, for example. Oh, yes. You might think, as I'm a strict Vegan myself, I'd foist that on him. But no - I cook him his proper breast of chicken.' Rico stopped wheezing briefly hearing the word 'chicken'. 'He's fourteen now, nearly fifteen, so as far as we can, we're upping the ante with his treats. And with the offer on here, it was a no-brainer bringing him for Valentine's weekend.'


She fetched herself a coffee, asked the receptionist permission to take the cup 'just immediately outside, I won't stray', then pushed Rico across the road towards the Steyne Gardens. 

'Here we go, just a bumpsy down off the kerb, Rico. Look at the lovely flowers. I expect we're curious what the statue is of, Rico? I do hope you'll like it.'


Love. Real love. 

Which is what today is all about. 




#valentines #dogs #love #rescuedogs


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Me Featuring in The Sunday Times, Nicely...

  This happened. The editor thinks it's a book of dog sitter stories waiting to happen. I am scribbling away at same...  I first house-sat by accident. I was originally at Haven House, Lembton, as a live-in safety net for Lady Olive Simmonds, a seventy-nine year-old Bostonian with a lilac afro, a Temazepam habit and leg ulcers. Haven House was by the sea. Eighteenth century, elegant, comfortable.  But there was Olive... Always in pain; either drunk, hungover or both; barely educated. She had married a man who was knighted, and believed this gave her a licence to be a twat. According to Olive, her fellow Lembtonians were all dull academics - this group having reading ages older than hers, which was thirteen - or failed schizophrenics. She had serious monophobia, with staff working (unnecessarily) every day apart from weekends. At weekends, first thing, anxious, she would ring round the Lembtonians that were still speaking to her - six in number - inviting them for coffee, ...

The Marine Says I Must Re-queer...

                                                                 Being camp in Camp Basra... Stacks, ex-Royal Marines Commando, recently watched my Tutu Went AWOL! show on Zoom. He had notes. I was shifting from foot to foot, he said, and gesturing too much. 'And you must put back the stuff about the Brigadier and your fellow comedian being homophobic...' The Brigadier had been sneering about my act, saying it would be more suited to Butlins. But, more importantly, he believed I was an 'inappropriate influence on 42 Commando'.  Stacks, deadpan, commented, 'Sir, before Iestyn started hanging out with us, sir, it had never occurred to him to play Tiddlywinks with anything other than his thumb, sir.'  My fellow comedian, who I'll call Mark, because that's his name, asked Reg, Garrison Sergeant Major, in front of ...

My Mate Jamie-Ray Hartshorne

     I've been noticing that alongside photos of Jamie-Ray being a lead in Altar Boys , creating Change My Body UK TM , working the door at Freedom - and clearly asking people passing by wherever that rockpool may be to snap a double-bicep - this sort of thing is cropping up on his social media:   We're in The Diner, Jamestown Road, Camden.  He's between tour dates of  The Bodyguard,  and meetings to discuss sportswear and creatine endorsements.  The latter, he says, being all about making his product better.   Between sips of his peanut butter milkshake (he's allowing himself dairy today in my honour - I don't quite know how to take that) he says in his soft Brum, 'I've signed up for a major Muay Thai event in Thailand next February.  I'm going up against one of the Thai fighters.  That's the only real way to gain any respect in the fighting world.  That's why you've been noticing the combat photos.  I...