Skip to main content

Freelance Woes

  'But Iestyn, you're freelance. You can be at your desk that any time. We're coming down to Aldeburgh.  You must be wanting to see us. But we can only fit in taking you for tea at four on Friday, so if you can please be standing on your balcony when we give you the heads up to watch for us coming round the Meare, then you can run downstairs and be by the roadside ready. Can you also ring down to Choppings Hill in advance and make sure they have a table? And you won't mind walking back under your own steam, will you? Three miles along the disused railway track, you're always saying you love that walk. Oh, a bit of sleet won't hurt you.  What about your new wellies? Now, don't say any more about needing to get to your desk, please; makes us feel unwanted.'
  Because I'm freelance I have to get to my desk whenever I can, thanks. My fridge gets emptier than Joan Collins's botox syringes. Not to mention that my agent thinks that the right person to ask for advice on publishing my book about entertaining Marines on the frontline out in Afghanistan would be Lionel Blair. Or a producer on the variety circuit owes me such a backlog of fees I'm putting him down on my HMRC return as a tax-deductible dependant. And that a lovely and timely corporate at Cafe de Paris for a second batch of Norwegians may fall by the wayside because though the first batch of Norwegians in October last year gave me a rave testimonial, they were a Trondheim hairdressing convention and this second batch will be Bergen plumbers. 
  'We simply have failure to see how you may think the vibes described from that "peppery" event could be directly transferring to this "salty" one!'  
  So I need to get on with my work.
  But still I will ring Choppings Hill in advance, stand on my balcony, smile and wave as the car rounds the Meare.
  I should do a Jessie Matthews. When was starring in a revue some time in the late sixties Will Simms, who I knew from teaching, was in the chorus. 
  'Miss Matthews.'  Will nervously approached her before a Saturday matinee. 
  'Yes, dear?' Miss Matthews smiled benignly at him. 
  'My nan's Gertie Bell.  You were in - '
  'Gertie Bell?  Gertie?  Oh!  London's Calling at the Duke of York's. Oh, Gertie, never! We were in digs together on tour before that as well. Great mucker of mine. She isn't?...oh!'
  'No, she's in this afternoon watching the show.'
  'Oh, how lovely, dear. Gertie, well now!'
  'And she's going to come round afterward, Miss Matthews, so I can bring her to see you.'
  The smile stayed benign as Miss Matthews said, 'Oh, no thank you, dear. I don't want to see her.' 

   
  
  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Mate Jamie-Ray Hartshorne

     I've been noticing that alongside photos of Jamie-Ray being a lead in Altar Boys , creating Change My Body UK TM , working the door at Freedom - and clearly asking people passing by wherever that rockpool may be to snap a double-bicep - this sort of thing is cropping up on his social media:   We're in The Diner, Jamestown Road, Camden.  He's between tour dates of  The Bodyguard,  and meetings to discuss sportswear and creatine endorsements.  The latter, he says, being all about making his product better.   Between sips of his peanut butter milkshake (he's allowing himself dairy today in my honour - I don't quite know how to take that) he says in his soft Brum, 'I've signed up for a major Muay Thai event in Thailand next February.  I'm going up against one of the Thai fighters.  That's the only real way to gain any respect in the fighting world.  That's why you've been noticing the combat photos.  I...
1 comment
Read more

Psychic Readings

  As it's Summer Solstice, let's revisit my mother's lodge for a seance.  We know from a previous blog entry that lodge members are asked only to heal, and to have no truck with past lives and spirit guides.  See:   Previous blog featuring the lodge...   On the QT they have seances, at which the medium tunes in to great mysteries of the past.  Here are some of the readings.  I've taken out anything that explicitly reveals the subject of the reading.  Then we can play at guessing what it might be...      'There's something to do with a pile of tied up newspapers.  Was there an evening paper delivery?  They need to talk to the paper boy from back then as he saw something relevant but didn't understand at the time what it was he was seeing. There's also something to do with the plants by the front door.  The leaves of one of them were too dark to have been real.  Put there on purpose to deflect attention from ...
6 comments
Read more

More Stuff I've Overheard

'Famous actors don't need to dress like famous actors. Apart from Simon Callow always seems to.' 'She smells like she hasn't actually had that winter coat out as much as needed.' 'Christopher, you can't possibly know that Sea Salt won't have a man's fragrance.' 'None of us on the till thought it was possible to override the take away drinks machine and do an oat milk hot chocolate. But Little Mary went on a mission. Sally and Big Mary were looking on, to see how Little Mary managed it. I stayed out of the way - didn't want any part, sorry. Took ever so long. Janice buttered at least three crusty rolls in the meantime.  'When she handed the drink over Little Mary asked the customer if it was okay - it being a bit of a freak beverage - and he said it wasn't as hot as it could be, but that meant it wouldn't over-melt the marshmallow on his Easter Bunny biscuit, would it?  'Mary said, "All's well that ends well, t...
Post a Comment
Read more