Tuesday, 16 February 2016

On Getting that Big Break!

    If you're a variety turn, as I am, trust me - you will never get the big break doing any of the following:

  Bankrupting yourself to show off nightly at the Edinburgh Fringe
  Overacting in the audience of Judge Judy/Rinder/Milian, et al
  Heckling on Jeremy Kyle
  In a podcast
  Collecting for Every Child on Camden Road in character as Medea
  Singing loudly while tearing tickets front of house
  Giving TED talks
  In a podcast playing your eccentric aunt giving her gardener instructions
  Appearing on your local TV news programme
  Being the barista of a bike setup with an espresso maker where the basket should be
  Being in anything site-specific
  Cruise ship showcases
  Performing in your local library
  Performing in your local church
  Being on Vimeo singing hymns as your eccentric aunt
  Performing in your local dog-friendly cafe
  Performing for the wrong Dean of Bocking
  Giving guided tours of the road where serial killer Dennis Nilsen lived
  Sending snapchats of papier-mache passed off as your eccentric aunt's private parts
  Being Anne Boleyn in Madame Tussaud's
  In a homemade sitcom, especially one called Mucky Bottom or similar
  In an installation podcast on Periscope being the corpse of your eccentric aunt
  Being in a pantomime - even one with 3-D effects
  Being the Queen of Hearts in the Asprey's of Bond Street Alice installation
  Performing at charity events
  And, saddest of all to relate: 

  Performing in a bona fide variety night

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