On Getting that Big Break!

If you're a variety turn, as I am, trust me - you will never get the big break doing any of the following:

Bankrupting yourself to show off nightly at the Edinburgh Fringe
Overacting in the audience of Judge Judy/Rinder/Milian, et al
Heckling on Jeremy Kyle
In a podcast
Collecting for Every Child on Camden Road in character as Medea
Singing loudly while tearing tickets front of house
Giving TED talks
In a podcast playing your eccentric aunt giving her gardener instructions
Appearing on your local TV news programme
Being the barista of a bike setup with an espresso maker where the basket should be
Being in anything site-specific
Cruise ship showcases
Performing in your local library
Performing in your local church
Being on Vimeo singing hymns as your eccentric aunt
  Performing in your local dog-friendly cafe
Performing for the wrong Dean of Bocking
Giving guided tours of the road where serial killer Dennis Nilsen lived
Sending snapchats of papier-mache passed off as your eccentric aunt's private parts
Being Anne Boleyn in Madame Tussaud's
In a homemade sitcom, especially one called Mucky Bottom or similar
In an installation podcast on Periscope being the corpse of your eccentric aunt
Being in a pantomime - even one with 3-D effects
Being the Queen of Hearts in the Asprey's of Bond Street Alice installation
Performing at charity events

And, saddest of all to relate:

Performing in a bona fide variety night

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